You remember how your parents or teachers could silence you with just a look? A single, piercing eyebrow raise or a chilling glare, and you’d freeze in your tracks. You’d drop whatever you were about to throw or halt mid-sentence, knowing that look meant business. That’s what I call the parent glare.
Then there’s the way your mom could shift her tone, effortlessly emphasizing specific words that sent shivers down your spine. Or the way your dad could simply call your name, and you’d instantly recognize that it was time to stop whatever you were doing. No need for raised voices or drama—just a steady, firm tone. That’s the parent voice.
These are the tools every experienced parent tends to develop over time. However, they don’t come naturally; they require practice and patience.
I’m nearly six years into parenting two children, and truthfully, I still haven’t mastered these skills. I really should have by now, but since I haven’t gotten the hang of them yet, I’ve relied on a different method—one that’s innate to all of us: I yell. A lot. And, surprisingly, it’s effective. It may startle my son just enough to shift his focus. (Before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify: my son is also frightened by Elmo, so I’m not going full-on Sam Kinison here. I’m just raising my voice a bit.) It may not make me feel great about myself, but it does the job, so I’ll keep at it.
I don’t want my son to be terrified of me; my goal is simply to interrupt his thought process when he’s doing something dangerous or silly. I don’t aim to be the parent who constantly raises his voice, but sometimes that’s the only tool I have in the moment.
At five years old, he often needs to hear something five times before it registers. Plus, a lot of what he does is completely thoughtless—like head-butting his baby brother or leaping onto me while I’m holding hot coffee. He can even shout at his mom for a song while we’re watching something we just started—at his request! Five-year-olds are ruled by impulse, and sometimes that impulse needs to be checked. A little yelling helps me regain control when circumstances demand it.
Are there alternatives to yelling? Absolutely. I mentioned the parent voice and glare earlier, but those take years to refine. And let’s be honest, when you’re dealing with a kid who’s always moving and making noise, it’s tricky to employ those tactics. Sometimes, yelling is necessary to overcome distance, drown out distractions, and cut through the chaos.
But I know that if I rely on yelling too much, it can become background noise. If my voice is always raised, it eventually loses its impact. I’m well aware of this, and I want to prevent it. But I also want to keep my son from hurting himself, his brother, or anything else in the house. With five-year-olds, sometimes you just need to be forceful. Until I figure out a better approach, raising my voice seems to be my best option.
Right now, it’s a race between the diminishing effectiveness of yelling and my son’s growth. I hope he learns to settle down enough to grasp the consequences of his actions soon so I can save the yelling for special occasions. Until then, I’ll keep using it. My son may dislike my yelling because it unsettles him, but it also gets his attention—even if just for a moment, and sometimes that’s all I need. After all, he often tunes me out when I speak softly, and a dad’s gotta do what a dad’s gotta do.
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In summary, while I might not have perfected the art of parenting just yet, I’ve found that yelling is an effective tool in my current parenting toolkit. It may not be the ideal approach, but in the chaos of raising young children, it helps me maintain some level of control.