“We’re looking for volunteers for this committee; could you help out?”
“Would you be interested in being the class parent?”
“How about a position on the board?”
“Would you like to lead a group?”
In my mind, I’m saying “Yes! A thousand times yes!” I thrive on helping, being involved, and feeling useful. (As the eldest child, it’s practically in my DNA to take charge.) But then reality hits—
“Oh, wait. No, I can’t. I really wish I could, but…”
Why not? Well, as a mom of little ones, there are days when I barely have time to shower, let alone take on another commitment. Even with reminders on my calendar, I still manage to forget appointments. And don’t even get me started on how often I misplace my patience or my wallet.
I know there are many parents—both stay-at-home and working—who juggle their responsibilities effortlessly. They hold titles, attend meetings, and have real commitments. People rely on them, even if they didn’t give birth to or marry them. This high-achieving group seems to master follow-through like it’s second nature.
These are the folks who, for instance, never forget a dentist appointment scheduled for 10 a.m. that they saw on their calendar just hours earlier. They somehow manage to shower and dress in actual clothes (not just comfy ones) every day, for no apparent reason. They accomplish tasks, remember family birthdays, and even send gifts on time!
But that’s not me.
It took me a while to accept my limitations. I dropped the ball too many times, let my kids down (mostly my own), and felt that familiar flush of embarrassment as I rushed to meet commitments at the last minute—or not at all.
All of this could have been avoided by simply saying one little word: No.
No, I can’t.
No, I’m sorry.
No, not right now.
I would love to volunteer, but until my little ones can dress themselves, pour their own milk, wipe themselves without assistance, and stop wanting to be held constantly, I can’t commit to anything.
In our first summer in a new neighborhood, just before my oldest began kindergarten, I found myself wearing the baby while trying to wrangle my other kids away from a swim meet. With the baby in front, a giant swim bag swaying at my side, and my energetic 4-year-old making a break for it, I arrived at the parking lot drenched in sweat.
As I passed one of the seasoned swim moms (whose youngest was 9), I shared, “I wish I could help, but I just can’t.”
Her response? “Oh, we understand, and you’ll be able to help! Just not right now. We’ve all been in your shoes before. Don’t worry about it.”
In that moment, she transformed how I viewed my situation. I didn’t feel judged or like I was letting anyone down. Instead, I felt relieved and grateful. She offered me the permission I didn’t realize I needed to take my time and contribute when the moment is right—which will be later.
I look forward to volunteering more in the future, but until “helping mom” means letting my kids do things independently rather than a chaotic exercise in patience, I must hold off. Until “clean your room” means actual cleaning instead of simply collecting clothes into neat piles in a corner. Until “I’m hungry” isn’t shouted every hour or involves wearing bits of food that create even more laundry—
So thank you to the moms of older kids who understand that some of us are just trying to get through the basics. We appreciate you for taking care of what needs to be done right now. We look forward to contributing and learning from you, and when our kids are older, we will step up and take on more.
And to you, fellow mom of little ones, don’t feel guilty about saying “no,” or even about dropping a few responsibilities when you try to say “yes.” We’ve all been there. Be kind to yourself, as figuring out the balance between your kids and your capabilities takes time. Saying “yes” will come!
Perhaps instead of just one word, we need five: “Yes, in about four years.”