A few months ago, while volunteering at a local school, I overheard a conversation between two young girls. One girl was ranking her classmates based on her favorites, casually mentioning that a new boy topped her list. The other girl, listening carefully, quietly asked, “What number am I on your list?”
What number am I?
Even though I don’t have daughters and didn’t know the girls well, hearing that question made my heart ache. I wished I could have hugged her tightly and said, “No! You don’t need to be a number in someone else’s ranking!” I wanted to tell her repeatedly, “Embrace yourself. Know your value. Your worth isn’t determined by someone else’s list.”
My heart broke not only for that girl but for all the girls who ponder similar questions. It also reminded me of the little girl I once was, who spent years measuring her worth by numbers and approval—be it grades, likes on social media, or the scale. I’ve asked that question—where do I fit?—countless times.
Listening to that sweet girl’s quiet inquiry left me feeling sad, frustrated, and angry. It made me want to help her and others like her understand that their worth can never be quantified by a number, whether it’s on a popularity list, a scale, or a paycheck.
Yet, I know this revelation isn’t something we can simply tell someone. It’s a lesson we must learn for ourselves, repeatedly.
Since overhearing that conversation, I’ve realized that, in some ways, I still sometimes feel like that little girl. There are days when I find myself asking for validation from various sources, whether it’s the number on the scale, likes on posts, or invites to gatherings. Many adult women still grapple with the question of where they stand in the eyes of others, measuring their worth against societal expectations.
We often convince ourselves that we don’t care about these opinions, and most of the time, we manage to overlook the negativity. But there are moments when we all find ourselves asking, “Where do I rank?”
Unfortunately, there are always people—whether intentionally or not—who provide reasons for us to feel inadequate. Why do we let our worth be defined by others? Why do we equate ourselves to a number? And how can we break this cycle?
I don’t have a magic solution or a step-by-step guide to escape this pattern of seeking approval and validation. However, I believe that by asking ourselves why we feel this way, we can start to find answers.
It requires acknowledging that while we may care less about others’ opinions than we used to, we still care more than we’d like to admit. Recognizing this truth is crucial in understanding the impact that the need for validation has on our lives as women.
We must challenge the standards and lists we encounter in our daily lives—whether they pertain to body image or social media metrics. We also need to listen to the quiet voices of other women asking, “Where do I fit in?” It takes courage, practice, and a commitment to dismantling these lists. We need to remind ourselves and each other, “You don’t have to be a number in someone’s ranking!”
Each of us has been that little girl at some point, whether we acknowledge it or not. But if we shift the conversation from “Where do I fit?” to “How do we change this?” we can take significant steps toward breaking free from this cycle of evaluation.
Maybe simply asking these questions is the first step toward change because this ongoing evaluation and judgment must end. If not for our own sake, then for the sake of future generations.