Children experience a wide array of emotions—strong, messy, and sometimes overwhelming feelings. Anyone who has cared for a crying infant, a tantrum-throwing toddler, or a moody teenager knows that kids come with a natural emotional spectrum.
As both a parent and an educator, I’ve realized that what society imparts about feelings is often unintentional. I’ve caught myself telling my daughters, “Stop crying,” or “Don’t be sad,” in moments when they are struggling with big emotions. My intention is never to suggest they shouldn’t feel; rather, navigating the emotional landscape of young kids can be challenging. Unfortunately, when children learn that certain feelings are “bad,” they start believing they shouldn’t experience them. Anger gets labeled as dangerous, and sadness feels like failure.
This narrative is harmful because it teaches kids they should be able to manage their emotions—implying that it’s more acceptable to suppress feelings than to express them. Phrases like “happiness is a choice” suggest that we can control our feelings. If happiness were truly a choice, why would anyone ever choose sadness? This mindset can lead to the misconception that if we don’t feel happy, we’re not in control of our lives.
Having spent years trying to suppress what I considered “bad” feelings, I found that it only intensified my distress. I often believed that my unhappiness stemmed from poor choices, creating a sense of helplessness. The more I struggled to control my emotions, the more miserable I became, all in an attempt to avoid feeling “bad.”
It was a breakthrough moment when I understood that all feelings are valid and none are inherently bad. Anger isn’t bad; it’s our actions in response to that anger that can be constructive or destructive. Similarly, sadness isn’t bad; it’s how we choose to handle it that matters.
In our home, we prioritize open discussions about emotions and the choices that accompany them. We often say, “It’s perfectly fine to feel angry, but it’s not okay to be unkind,” and we explore healthier ways to express frustration or sadness. For instance, we might ask, “How can we acknowledge our sadness while still being kind?”
It’s essential to validate all feelings, as children can feel a spectrum of emotions without having to resort to negative behaviors. While some feelings may be uncomfortable, they are not wrong.
I strive to respond thoughtfully to my children’s emotions. Even when I struggle to understand their sadness, I don’t dismiss it. I guide them to recognize the choices that led to their feelings and the options they have for navigating those emotions.
Today’s youth face unprecedented challenges with mental health, including heightened rates of depression and anxiety. Teaching kids about their emotional well-being is crucial because those feelings will continue into adulthood, shaping their experiences.
Instead of encouraging my children to reject or fear complex emotions, I aim to foster healthy relationships with their feelings. They don’t need to control their emotions, nor should their emotions control them.
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In summary, I want my children to understand that it’s okay to experience a variety of emotions. By embracing their feelings, they can make positive choices and navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience.