Dressing a newborn for brunch might seem like a simple task—especially if you’re used to getting ready in a flash. I mean, how long could it possibly take, right? After all, it’s just a baby. Well, let me tell you, the reality can be a bit more chaotic than you’d expect.
Picture this: My partner Ryan, our little bundle of joy, and I were enjoying a weekend getaway at a friend’s cozy beachfront condo. It was my first outing since giving birth four weeks earlier. While Ryan was off fishing, my mission was to get our little one dressed for a midday meal by the water. Just a quick onesie, and I’d be out the door, or so I thought.
Step One:
Start with a fresh diaper and an adorable outfit. Check! Baby’s ready to go.
Step Two:
Pack the diaper bag. This means diapers, wipes, Balmex, and disposable bags. Don’t forget two bottles of formula—breastfeeding didn’t quite work out for me. Toss in extra pacifiers and three backup outfits for any unexpected spit-ups.
Step Three:
Realize you’re running late. Grab your wallet, keys, and sunglasses before heading for the door.
Step Four:
Just as you reach for the handle, the baby starts crying. Scratch that—now he’s screaming.
Step Five:
Put everything down and unbuckle the baby. Yep, you guessed it—diaper change time.
Step Six:
Let out a heavy sigh.
Step Seven:
Place the baby safely on the bed, ensuring he can’t possibly roll off.
Step Eight:
Open the diaper and brace yourself. A fountain of pee erupts, and you find yourself in a frantic game of dodgeball with baby urine. Amusingly, the little spray shower does not help the situation.
Step Nine:
You’re officially late now.
Step Ten:
Grab wipes, diapers, Balmex, and a clean outfit.
Step Eleven:
Remove the wet onesie. Be careful! You don’t want to send the baby into a neck-craning twist. Clean him up and put on a fresh outfit.
Step Twelve:
Apply Balmex to that delicate diaper rash area, which is more challenging than you’d think. It gets everywhere… except where you need it.
Step Thirteen:
Strip off the second onesie in frustration, sending it flying across the room.
Step Fourteen:
Survey the situation—naked baby, pee everywhere, and a sense of impending doom.
Step Fifteen:
Cry.
Step Sixteen:
Brunch suddenly seems overrated. Why leave the house when you can enjoy a meal delivered right to your doorstep?
Step Seventeen:
Fill the bathroom sink with warm water and give the baby a quick wash. Good luck with that.
Step Eighteen:
Dry him off gently and grab another diaper and outfit.
Step Nineteen:
Return to the guest room to dress him again.
Step Twenty:
Evaluate the now half-empty diaper bag.
Step Twenty-One:
Let out a cathartic string of expletives that would make a sailor blush.
Step Twenty-Two:
Laugh at the absurdity of it all, as if you were in a Judd Apatow film.
Step Twenty-Three:
Take care of the laundry, tossing everything soiled into the washing machine.
Step Twenty-Four:
Acknowledge that you may have set a record for tardiness.
Step Twenty-Five:
Gather your belongings and leave the house, doing a little prayer even if you’re not religious.
Step Twenty-Six:
Drive to the restaurant, carefully maneuvering through traffic. Valet parking? Yes, please. You’ve earned it!
Step Twenty-Seven:
Spot that mimosa at the table, waiting for you courtesy of your thoughtful partner. Savor that moment of gratitude and gulp it down.
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For more laughs and insights on parenting and the journey to motherhood, you can also read about experiences that new parents share here.
Summary
In conclusion, dressing a newborn for brunch is anything but a straightforward task. The journey is filled with challenges, unexpected mishaps, and plenty of laughter. Embrace the chaos, and cherish those moments, as they are often the most memorable parts of parenthood.
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