Life of Dad recently shared a thought-provoking piece titled “Real Advice for New Dads,” featuring insights from their community. One quote, in particular, struck a chord with me: “Not everyone had a great dad, unfortunately, so Lewis Hundley recommends that you ‘Be the dad you needed when you were a kid.’”
When my first child was born, I was filled with anxiety over my fathering abilities. I vividly remember cradling my newborn son with his tousled brown hair, swaddled peacefully in my arms, and wondering how I could be the parent he needed when my own father had been largely absent. My dad left when I was young and passed away when I was 19, leaving a significant void during my formative years. This absence weighed heavily on me when my partner suggested growing our family.
In the quiet of the hospital room, as my son struggled to sleep, I made a vow to myself: “I’m going to be the father I never had.” At that moment, it felt empowering, as if I was breaking a cycle of neglect. However, looking back, I wonder if I was aiming too low or too high. After all, I didn’t have a clear picture of the father I longed for as a child.
Sometimes, I just wanted a dad who remembered my birthday, or one who would teach me how to fix a car. At other times, I wished for a father who didn’t struggle with addiction or who would greet me with a smile. I often found myself envying my friends whose dads seemed more present. Most of all, I craved someone I could confide in about the challenges I faced during my teenage years. What I wanted was a friend.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure what I truly sought from a father figure. Reflecting on this makes me realize how tough it must be for many parents today—especially those of us who grew up in an era when leaving families became all too common. We’re all grappling with the daunting challenge of becoming the parents we wished we had.
I still find myself uncertain about what that ideal looks like. There are moments when I feel inadequate, yet I remind myself that at least I’m present. I come home every night to my kids, but I worry that I might be setting the bar too low by just showing up. Other times, I might overcompensate. Just the other night, I sat beside my nine-year-old son, Alex, who was engrossed in a book. After a long day at work, I declared, “Alex, I love you. I’m sorry I had to work late.”
He looked up at me with wide eyes and replied, “Duh. I know you love me. You say it a million times a day.” I paused, wondering if I was overdoing it. Can you say “I love you” too much? Is that all I’m conveying? Maybe I’m not doing this fatherhood thing as well as I should. It’s possible that every parent, regardless of their upbringing, feels this way. The uncertainty is part of navigating parenthood without a solid example to guide them.
After Alex rolled his eyes, I asked him, “Do you know why I tell you I love you so often?” He shrugged, not fully understanding. I continued, “Because my own dad wasn’t around much, and I know how important it is to hear that love is there. I want to make sure you never doubt it.”
Alex didn’t roll his eyes again. Instead, he opened his arms, and I leaned down for a hug. He then said, “I know you love me, Dad.” Hearing that was comforting.
In many ways, my father’s absence has fueled my desire to be actively involved in my children’s lives. I refuse to let them feel the void I experienced. Yet, this determination often leads to insecurity about my role as a parent. I constantly evaluate my actions, motivations, and commitment to their well-being.
Still, I forge ahead. I seek advice from my partner and strive harder than ever to ensure my kids know I want the best for them. It’s a challenging journey, and I question if these feelings of doubt will ever truly fade.
For those navigating similar paths, I invite you to explore more insights by checking out this post. You can also find valuable information on home insemination at MakeAMom, or discover helpful resources about pregnancy and insemination through Cleveland Clinic.
Summary:
This reflection on fatherhood takes readers through the author’s journey of becoming a parent despite lacking a strong paternal figure in his life. He expresses the challenges of setting expectations for himself while striving to be the kind of dad he wished he had. The narrative explores feelings of insecurity and determination in parenting, ultimately emphasizing the importance of being present and expressing love to children.