My partner and I are raising wonderful kids, and I genuinely believe that. We’ve instilled in them values of kindness, responsibility, and a desire to help others. While it’s definitely an ongoing journey, I can say things are going pretty well. With ages 15, 11, and 7, they’ve stayed out of major trouble, show respect, and are generally great company.
However, I often wonder how we’ve achieved this, especially since I’ve read so much about the necessity of consistency in discipline—something I really don’t excel at.
I’m fairly adept at the teaching side of discipline. Since they were young, we’ve focused on character traits, which we refer to as “virtues.” We discuss behavioral challenges using this language, explaining what’s polite and appropriate in various situations. Sometimes, we even role-play to prepare them for tricky scenarios. I prioritize open and honest communication, so they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and worries with me. In that proactive aspect of discipline, I feel pretty confident.
But when it comes to the consequences for their misbehavior—ugh! I struggle to keep it together. I tend to be inconsistent and forgetful. I might impose a consequence for a certain infraction but then fail to follow through. I try to set up systems and reminders for chores and rewards, but they usually fall apart after a couple of days because I find it too taxing. I often catch myself repeating instructions I promised I wouldn’t, and I’m a terrible role model when it comes to keeping my own space tidy. My kids’ messy rooms might bother me, yet my nightstand is overflowing with books and papers, and laundry is piled high.
I set limits for screen time that frequently get ignored because I lose track of how long they’ve been using their devices. While I ensure their snacks are healthy options like apples or bananas with peanut butter, I still find myself negotiating with them at bedtime. They don’t run the show, but I occasionally worry I’m not strict enough.
I read about parents who take a tough-love approach, like my friend, Sarah, who recently cleared everything out of her son’s room and made him earn it all back through good behavior. I admire her resolve and think it’s a solid strategy, but I can’t picture myself acting that way. It’s just not in my nature. I’m a laid-back, Type B mom, and I fear that such drastic measures would frighten my kids, as they know it would take a significant issue to provoke that kind of response from me.
Yet, despite my lenient approach to consequences, our kids haven’t shown any significant behavioral problems. They’ve had their tough phases, but those issues are just typical kid stuff. More often than not, the challenges we face relate to shyness, anxiety, or irritability from lack of sleep—things that would be unfair to punish them for.
Still, my inconsistency bothers me. I’m not worried it will turn them into little terrors; I believe we’ve shown that’s unlikely. My biggest concern is that they’ll end up like me, struggling with discipline and consistency when they become parents. They’ll have kids with different personalities and backgrounds, and I worry they won’t have the skills to enforce rules effectively.
Then again, parenting is a journey for everyone, right? Perhaps one day one of my kids will push boundaries in a way that requires a firmer hand. Or maybe they simply don’t have that in them, just as I don’t have it in me to stick rigidly to a discipline strategy.
I hope that my proactive strengths in discipline will compensate for my reactive weaknesses. Like my kids, I too am a work in progress. I can only hope they see me putting in the effort, understand that I’m human like they are, and recognize that there are many ways to raise good kids, even if discipline isn’t my forte.
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Summary
Navigating the tricky waters of parenting, particularly discipline, can be challenging. While I excel in teaching values and communication, I often struggle with consistency in enforcing consequences. My laid-back approach has surprisingly yielded respectful children, but I worry about the long-term effects of my discipline style. I hope my proactive efforts compensate for my shortcomings and that my kids recognize the importance of trying, even when it isn’t perfect.