The most recent sarcastic remark I received regarding my parenting choices was, “I bet that chocolate milk pairs wonderfully with the donuts you put in her lunch.” Pretty annoying, right? Who would be so disdainful about sending a few powdered donuts with their first-grader? It might shock you to know that I encounter such judgmental comments almost every week. I’ve faced criticism over various aspects like screen time, extracurricular activities, and even what my kids wear. You might wonder why I haven’t completely cut this person out of my life—who needs that kind of negativity?
Well, I did separate myself from him a couple of years ago when we divorced. Unfortunately, I still have to read his emails due to his 50% custody of our kids. We even engage a court-mandated parenting coach to help us communicate better, yet the negativity continues.
This is the reality of co-parenting with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits.
As parents, we are inundated with conflicting advice on how to raise our children. From circumcision to college choices, everyone seems to have an opinion. Thankfully, we also receive messages encouraging us to trust our instincts and ignore the noise. But show me a mother who isn’t plagued by worries about potentially messing up her child’s future, and I’ll show you a mythical creature. Parenting is riddled with uncertainty, much like Swiss cheese is riddled with holes.
Anyone with more than one child knows that each one—despite the similarities in nature and nurture—is as unique as a snowflake. Each requires a different approach, involving practice, intuition, and an open mind. Criticism breeds self-doubt, which only undermines our choices.
Most of the time, criticism comes from sensational headlines or online drama. Sometimes it comes from a thoughtless neighbor or friend, and often, we create our own self-doubt through negative inner dialogue. But ideally, the other parent should be your supporter, your cheerleader—someone who stands with you in the journey of raising your children. When external voices criticize, the other half of your parenting team should counter that negativity to help nurture happy, well-adjusted kids. After all, you’re supposed to be on the same team—Team Happy Children.
However, this isn’t the case when co-parenting with an abuser or someone overly controlling. In their eyes, the swim goggles you chose will always be wrong, the winter coat never warm enough, and yes, even the chocolate milk will never be a suitable addition to the donuts that are her favorites.
But maybe I should be grateful to my critical ex-husband. Though he’ll likely never approve of any of my parenting decisions—the mother who endured childbirth and breastfeeding, who sacrificed so much to stay home during their formative years, and who consistently prioritizes their needs—his constant negativity has made me immune to other forms of criticism about my parenting choices.
If a stranger gives me the side-eye for taking my 4-year-old to see Star Wars on a school night? No biggie. If another parent at preschool makes a passive-aggressive comment about my son being “so lively” while climbing up my leg? Pffft. I had to think hard to even recall that example because I’m simply not affected anymore by the judgments of others regarding my parenting.
And I owe that resilience to my judgmental ex. If I can learn to let his contempt slide off my back like rain (and I’m still a work in progress), then anyone else’s opinions are just background noise. The one person who should be my ally in raising our children is not only disengaged from our team but actively working against me. Because of this, I am compelled to rise to the occasion. I’ve become adept at tuning out the competitive and often nonsensical debates that pop up on social media or during school events.
I’ve also learned to silence my inner critic that tells me I’m doing it all wrong when I know I’m giving it my best shot. Yes, I am stronger and more confident because I have to be. I won’t allow myself to falter, as I’m the only one on their team who truly cares about how this all unfolds.
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For those dealing with similar challenges, I recommend browsing through this blog post to find valuable information on co-parenting and parenting in general.
Summary
Navigating co-parenting with an ex-husband who constantly criticizes your parenting can be challenging. While it’s easy to feel defeated by their remarks, it’s essential to find strength in your own choices and trust your instincts. You might even find that such negativity strengthens your resolve and makes you more resilient against the judgments of others.