- “I’m eating for two.” After months of avoiding soft cheese, deli meats, coffee, alcohol, and sushi, I’m diving into this Costco sheet cake. It’s my guilty pleasure and tastes like a mix of sweetness and regret.
- “I have a birth plan.” Let’s be honest, my plan revolves around pain relief. Can I snag a prescription for that now? I’m totally freaking out! And no, Karen, your horror story about a marathon labor isn’t helping. Time for another slice of my guilt cake to cope.
- “Ahem Ahem Ahem.” I’m pretending to cough to cover up my not-so-subtle flatulence while I navigate the hallway.
- “I’m having trouble sleeping.” I haven’t slept for more than two hours straight since week 30. While you’re dreaming away, I’m browsing Amazon for home sterilization kits because I might just consider permanently bowing out of this whole process. And if my partner even hints at my restlessness, I’ll be looking up how to perform a vasectomy with kitchen tools.
- “We’ve decided on a name.” You might think of a sketchy character with my favorite name, but keep that to yourself. Even if I choose something wild like Adolf Crisco Belieber, your job is to smile and act like it’s the best name ever.
- “I can’t see my feet.” Honestly, I can’t see anything below my neck. My grooming routine has hit rock bottom. My body resembles a jungle—overgrown and chaotic—while the world outside seems to protest my current state.
- “Where’s your bathroom?” I’m on a bathroom expedition like it’s a full-time job. An adult diaper would be handy, but my digestive system is like a ticking time bomb, and every trip is a suspenseful surprise.
- “Yep, I’m still pregnant.” I know all about the old wives’ tales for inducing labor. Thanks, random lady at the grocery store, for the unsolicited advice on stimulating my nipples. I may never want to do that again.
- “My dreams have been strange lately.” Just last night, I dreamed I gave birth to a tiny hotdog baby with flippers and then left him behind at Macy’s. If that’s a sign of my parenting skills, child protective services might be waiting at the hospital.
- “The doctor says that my bump is the right size.” No, it’s not twins. Unless you’ve seen a real pregnant woman, you might think this is just a cute little bump. My swollen feet could probably take out a California wildfire. And if you mention my postpartum belly in a month, I might just lose it.
For more thoughts on pregnancy and home insemination, check out our other blog posts, including this one on home insemination kits. If you’re looking for reliable information, this resource is worth checking out. And for all your home insemination needs, Make A Mom has you covered with their expert advice and products.
In summary, pregnancy is a rollercoaster ride filled with strange cravings, unexpected body changes, and a lot of unsolicited advice. While navigating this journey, remember to find humor in the chaos and lean on resources to make the experience a little easier.