Many people are fortunate to have had loving mothers who served as positive role models throughout their lives. I often hear friends share stories about joyful outings and daily phone calls with their moms, discussing everything from life’s challenges to simply catching up. However, there are those of us, like myself, who have never experienced that kind of relationship. Instead, we grew up with mothers who, despite their best intentions, struggled to provide a stable emotional environment.
My memories from early childhood are few, but they are filled with feelings of sadness and anxiety. I remember being outside, crying while my brother held me, trying to shield my ears from the sounds of our parents arguing inside the house. By the age of four, my parents were embroiled in a painful and protracted divorce. The specifics don’t matter, but my mother has always struggled with her mental health, inflicting emotional and verbal harm on my brother and me. Even today, as an adult with children of my own, her hurtful words can still penetrate my heart and mind. I often find myself seeking validation from her, something I never received as a child, despite knowing it is futile.
Acceptance has been a long journey. I now realize that I will not find the validation I crave from her as an adult. This realization fills me with anger, and at times, I wish I could erase these painful memories from my life. Yet, I understand that these experiences have shaped who I am today. In fact, I take pride in the woman I have become, despite my difficult past.
Surprisingly, I owe my mother a great deal of gratitude. It may seem counterintuitive after sharing my experiences, but it’s true. She imparted the most crucial parenting lesson: the kind of parent I do NOT wish to be. As a mother to two wonderful children, I am committed to breaking the cycle of unhealthy parenting and abuse. I strive to be a loving and supportive mom, one who fosters an environment where my children feel safe and cherished.
Of course, there were some positive aspects of my upbringing. My mother taught me how to cook and instilled in me a love for classic films and literature. She also encouraged a passion for beautiful art and baking delicious desserts. However, over the past year, as I’ve made significant changes in my life and grown stronger emotionally, I’ve recognized that I do not want to emulate the mental struggles that plagued her. I’ve learned from her mistakes and am working diligently to ensure my children have a happier upbringing.
Understanding that my mother’s behavior stems from her own struggles has allowed me to forgive her. I know that if she could, she would choose a different path. This insight empowers me to make conscious choices for my family. While she lives in sadness, I choose to embrace joy.
I refuse to be a victim of my mother’s troubled parenting. I won’t let her hurtful words and actions dictate my happiness. I consider myself fortunate, as many children grow up mirroring their parents, whether positively or negatively. I’ve navigated the tumultuous waters of my childhood and emerged resilient. My past has taught me invaluable lessons about the kind of parent I aspire to be. Ultimately, I owe it to my mother for illustrating who I do not want to become and for showing me that I have the strength to break the cycle of dysfunction.
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