Recently, a young woman named Sarah asked me, “How do you maintain a strong marriage when kids come into the picture?” She didn’t have children yet, and her curiosity was genuine.
I chuckled and replied, “You start by keeping score a lot more than you realize.”
I could tell that wasn’t the response she anticipated. It’s not that it’s untrue, but so few people openly acknowledge this reality. Conversations about marriage and parenting often revolve around phrases like “it’s challenging” or “you need to prioritize each other,” yet rarely do people admit, “It’s incredibly tough because we’re constantly tallying up our contributions.”
If we’re honest, we all keep score. You might note who’s had less sleep, who sacrificed more, who put in longer hours at work, or who cooked dinner more times this week. You may track the minutes spent soothing a crying baby, the hours waiting at the pediatrician’s office, or the long commutes to jobs that drain your spirit. You could even find yourself counting socks strewn across the floor, unwashed dishes piling up in the sink, or toilet paper rolls that remain unrefilled. Whatever it is, whether it’s a routine habit or a rare occurrence, those mental tally marks can start to weigh heavily on your marriage.
Most of us shy away from admitting we keep score, yet it’s a common experience, especially when life throws curveballs. Whether it’s a new baby, a job change, or another significant life shift, the scorekeeping can ramp up quickly, especially when you start keeping track of who made the last urgent grocery run for essentials.
And if a couple claims they’ve never kept score? They’re either being dishonest or have achieved a level of tranquility that I can only admire from a distance.
The reality is that when life becomes challenging—particularly with children—it’s human nature to question whether anyone else, even your partner, is experiencing the same struggles. It’s easy to feel like you’re the one carrying the heavier load. You may think you’re the only one facing sleepless nights, stressful workdays, or crying babies.
This feeling is entirely normal.
Life is tough. Parenting is tough. Marriage is tough. But that doesn’t mean these experiences aren’t also incredibly rewarding.
Sometimes, we forget that “hard” is subjective and that parenting, like life, goes through cycles. There are times when it feels overwhelming, and times when it’s joyful. You might find yourself in seasons that are more difficult than you ever expected, followed by those that are surprisingly delightful. It’s human to forget these truths and to fall into the trap of comparison and scorekeeping.
Eventually, though, the tallies become too overwhelming. You grow weary. And that’s when the clarity comes back.
You remember that life is challenging, and so is parenting and marriage—for everyone.
You remember you’re part of the same team.
You recall that you not only love each other but also genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
And you realize that when you said “I do,” you were really promising to remember all of this. Even when the dirty socks seem to multiply and the sleep deprivation contest stretches on, you hold onto that promise.
Just the other day, I asked my husband, Ryan, “Do you think we still keep score?”
“Definitely,” he replied a bit too quickly.
“Do you think it’s as much as we used to?” I inquired.
“Nope,” he said.
“Why is that?” I pressed, intrigued. “What changed?”
“Too many arguments,” he replied, and we shared a laugh.
“We’ve just become too exhausted to keep score anymore, haven’t we?”
“Absolutely,” he agreed.
We chuckled again, and soon our youngest son wandered into the room.
“Why are you both smiling?” he asked.
“I just really enjoy being with your mom,” Ryan answered.
So, when that young woman asked me about keeping a marriage strong after kids, I felt no hesitation in admitting that yes, we keep score. And yes, it can be quite challenging. But as long as you remember you’re on the same side, that things will get easier, and that you still genuinely like each other, you’ll be just fine.
In fact, things might be more than just fine; they could be really fantastic.
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Summary
In marriage, especially after having children, it’s common to keep score about various aspects of daily life. While many shy away from admitting this, it’s a reality that can affect the relationship. Acknowledging the challenges and the importance of teamwork can help couples navigate the difficulties of parenting and maintain a strong bond. Ultimately, remembering to enjoy each other’s company can lead to a fulfilling partnership.