Dear Restoration Hardware,
As a consumer goods company, I trust you appreciate feedback from your audience regarding your offerings. Recently, I received your latest baby & child catalog, and it is nothing short of breathtaking—so elegant and luxurious. However, it weighs approximately as much as a full-term baby, so I’m curious about a few things.
First, how do you feel about your staff enjoying a drink while at work? After glancing at your prices, I made an optometry appointment to ensure my vision was clear because it seems your marketing team may be indulging—perhaps with a dash of something psychedelic.
I’m also intrigued about the location of your focus groups. Do they convene in a lavish pod in Beverly Hills? Perhaps at a mansion like the Spelling estate? Or maybe on the set of a reality TV series?
Yet, I can’t help but continue flipping through your catalog—it’s like witnessing a train wreck crafted from custom silk tufting.
Specific Items of Interest
Let’s delve into some specific items. Although I’m past the nursery phase, it’s evident that you cater to a clientele eager for fresh inspiration.
For example, I never realized my tastes leaned towards the “Royal Infant, in Tribute to Will and Kate” theme. Fascinating! But I must ask:
- Is it not peculiar that a crib costs more than my first month’s rent in Manhattan?
- If my child’s butler happens to be on holiday when my order arrives, will you assist with the setup? Or is concierge service an extra fee?
- Why not introduce a clothing line? Surely we can’t have a poorly dressed child in such an opulent setting. Would a baby in a budget onesie spontaneously combust upon entering such a room? Just a thought.
- That ceiling lamp is genuine lead crystal, right? The one that a toddler could easily reach from their crib. I’m just trying to gauge the potential for injury from glass-to-skin encounters.
Lighting Options
Moving on to your lighting options—so many to choose from! I find this collection reassuring. I was genuinely concerned about having the perfect lighting for my children to identify the different flavors of Goldfish crackers they consume. And, of course, tea parties require an abundance of crystals. Plus, they’ll coordinate perfectly with my son’s light saber battles.
Follow-Up Queries
Before I place my order, I have a few follow-up queries:
- Can I reserve these long enough to discuss additional personal liability coverage with my insurance provider?
- How is the child in the photo managing in her remarkably empty room? Has she realized her parents spent all their money on light fixtures, leaving her to sit on a pillow with her silk-bound books on the floor? She appears to be coping, but those padded walls have me worried. Is she okay, or is she documenting years of frustration in her journal?
Furniture for Relaxation
Lastly, thank you for addressing a pressing concern of mine: what furniture can I purchase for my kids to relax? Your Vintage Cigar Leather Sofa is a breath of fresh air. Without it, my children would have to endure the humiliation of sitting on regular-sized furniture to unwind after a long day of play. Where else would they strategize their world travels? I couldn’t possibly let them sit on the floor while watching Disney Junior!
And, with a price tag just under $2,000, the practicality shines through. How have we survived without this?
Another pressing need is the time-out chair. How can I ensure my child truly grasps the significance of their punishment? Enter the Orbit Spitfire Chair. Here, my wayward child will be confined while plotting their next moves. They’ll know I mean business because I opted for the basic upholstered model without built-in speakers. That’s how you send a message!
After perusing your catalog, I must say it has been an enlightening experience—not just in decor but also in home equity loans! I eagerly await your seasonal editions to keep my decor inspiration fresh throughout the year.
Lastly, congratulations on making Pottery Barn Kids look like a budget-friendly option. That’s no small accomplishment!
Thank you for considering my questions. If you begin creating strollers that outshine my 2010 vehicle, please add me to your mailing list. I want to be the first to know!