Dear little embryos, the ones who didn’t take root after our IVF transfer:
I often find myself wondering why things unfold as they do, and I don’t have those answers. I can’t explain why you didn’t stay with me in the way I hoped and prayed for. I don’t understand why our IVF journey didn’t result in the beautiful little lives I envisioned. I won’t get to hear your heartbeats, feel your tiny kicks, or experience the joy of nurturing you within me.
I can’t comprehend why our paths didn’t align, why my existing children won’t have you as siblings, or why my parents won’t have the joy of calling you their grandchildren. I don’t know why I won’t get to call you by the names I so lovingly chose for you.
I struggle with the weight of infertility, not understanding why I can’t just live a “normal” life or why my body seems to resist granting me my deepest desires. You’ve left me with emptiness in my womb, my heart, and a part of my soul that became connected to you when the doctor placed you inside me. I don’t know how long these voids will linger or if they will ever truly heal.
Yet amidst all this uncertainty, I do know one thing: I am grateful.
I am thankful for the sense of purpose you brought into my life. You made me feel part of something greater than myself (and not just from the IVF hormones!). You instilled in me a responsibility to protect you, transforming my body from a source of pain into a vessel of hope. You opened my eyes to the fragility of life and taught me to cherish every moment.
I cherish the 11 days of “pregnancy” you gifted me. During that brief time before my blood test, I experienced all the feelings that accompany expecting a child, even if I wasn’t technically pregnant. I made choices with your best interests in mind, from ordering decaf coffee to avoiding hot baths and practicing prenatal yoga. I felt a glimpse of the miraculous paradox of pregnancy—something so natural yet profoundly extraordinary.
I hold onto the memories you gave me. Even though I feel a void now, I remember the fullness you brought into my life. I remember how you filled me with love, optimism, promise, and possibility. I felt you within me, both in body and heart. I remember you, and I will always carry that with me.
So, even though our journeys have diverged, and I’m writing this letter through tears of grief, I remain grateful for what we shared.
If you’re interested in exploring more about the journey to parenthood, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. For those considering alternative methods, you can read about boosting your chances with fertility supplements. And if you want to learn more about intracervical insemination, this blog post could be helpful!
Summary:
This heartfelt letter expresses gratitude to the embryos that didn’t implant after an IVF transfer. It conveys feelings of loss, longing, and appreciation for the brief connection shared. The author reflects on the emotions experienced during the IVF process and acknowledges the impact these little lives had, all while seeking support and understanding through various resources.