I’ve been diving into parenting resources online and in literature long before my daughter arrived last year. As someone who loves research, preparing for motherhood was a project I eagerly embraced, reading anything I could find. Given that my pregnancy was filled with sickness, I had plenty of time to read (a luxury that vanished as soon as she was born).
Throughout this journey, I’ve noticed a common phrase that people use when discussing the challenges of parenting infants that really gets to me: “It can be tough.”
For instance, “It can be tough to adjust to caring for a newborn while battling sleep deprivation.” Or, “If hospital staff is encouraging you to start supplementing, it can be tough not knowing when your milk will come in.” My personal favorite — “While sleep regressions can be tough for everyone involved, they won’t last forever!”
This phrase “It can be tough” feels like a massive understatement. Such casual wording fails to capture the reality of this demanding yet rewarding experience. I’m not suggesting we should dwell on the negative aspects of parenting all the time—there’s ample joy to be found in raising a child—but when we discuss the challenges, let’s actually acknowledge them.
It’s not just that those sleepless nights or countless outfit changes can be tough; they’re downright grueling. It’s honestly insulting to those of us in the thick of it and doesn’t do justice to those who are preparing for parenthood.
Let’s be real: it’s not just tough—it’s incredibly hard in ways you never thought possible. It’s overwhelming. At 3 AM, when you’re dragging your exhausted body from bed to crib, all while trying to ignore that persistent ringing in your ears over the sound of crying, you might seriously wish to throw in the towel. But instead, you’ll find yourself saying, “Hey there, little one… What’s wrong?” The word tough simply won’t cross your mind.
The following morning, if you’re co-parenting, you’ll share war stories with your partner: “I think I got three hours of sleep, but it’s hard to tell because I kept dozing off when it got a little quieter, you know?” “Totally! After he woke up for the third time, I just stayed awake until around 5…” You won’t use the word tough to describe what you’re going through.
More like a nightmare. A living hell. A level of despair that makes you question your own identity. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I’ve faced some serious challenges.
I believe we continue to downplay the struggles of parenting because we think the pain and adjustment period are private matters. We all experience it differently, and while new parents might appreciate their privacy, here’s the problem: privacy can feel isolating. It’s a lonely experience, looking into the abyss of sleepless nights and wondering if you’re the only one contemplating a time machine just to dissuade your past self from having kids. Spoiler: you’re not alone.
New parents already feel isolated, and while our experiences vary, they aren’t so different that we can’t talk about them. So, I propose we amend every parenting guide that mentions the challenging aspects of raising a child. Instead of saying “It can be tough,” let’s say, “It is completely impossible… But somehow, you will get through it.”
For example, “It is completely impossible to adjust to caring for a newborn while suffering from sleep deprivation, but you’ll manage.” Because it is impossible, and yet, you will find a way.
This post originally appeared on one of our other blogs, and you can find more insightful content there too, like this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination from ACOG. If you’re on a fertility journey, check out Make a Mom for more information and guidance.
In summary, let’s ditch the vague language and be honest about the challenges of parenting. Acknowledging the reality can help new parents navigate their journey with greater understanding and solidarity.