As dawn breaks, a mother gently hums while tightening her baby’s swaddling blanket. Could it be too snug? The guide insists that a tight swaddle will soothe him. Yet, the baby cries and kicks against the fabric, clearly more agitated. She rocks him, and he screams. She sways, and the screams persist. He’s been changed, fed, and burped, but nothing seems to work. Should she be worried? Unwrapping the blanket, she places him in his car seat and drives toward Urgent Care. Halfway there, the crying ceases. Is he breathing? Yes, he’s simply asleep. She turns around, parks in the garage, and carefully shuts the engine off. Opening the door seems risky, so she reclines her seat, wipes a tear of exhaustion away, and drifts off to sleep.
Later, at 8:30 a.m., a mother tells her toddler it’s time to get dressed. “No! I no wanna get dressed!” “But we have to get ready to go, sweetheart.” “No! I no wanna go!” The guide suggests using cooperative language. “Come on, let’s get dressed. I’ll help you.” She takes her daughter’s hand, but the little one collapses into a puddle on the floor. The guide advises offering choices. “Do you want to wear the green shirt or the pink one?” “No!” “No!” isn’t an option, dear. “What do you want to wear?” “NO! NO! NO!” From the next room, the baby’s cries begin again. In a flash, Mom pulls off the toddler’s pajamas and wrestles the pink shirt over her head. “No! I no want this shirt!” “Well, you should have chosen one. Do you want to pick your pants?” “No! I no want pants! No No No!” Seriously? thinks the mom. Choices, my rear.
At 3:30 p.m., a mother picks up her son from kindergarten. He proudly displays a painting he created. “Look at my picture, Mommy! Isn’t it cool?” The guide suggests providing nonjudgmental feedback. “Oh, it’s so colorful!” she replies. “Yeah! It’s a dragon! Do you like it?” he asks. The guide says to focus on the effort, not the outcome. “It looks like you worked really hard on that!” But the boy’s shoulders slump. “Yeah, but do you like it, Mommy? I made it for you.” The book warns that praise may hinder kids’ internal motivation. But look at that little face. “Sweetheart, I love it. I think it’s the coolest dragon I’ve ever seen.” His face lights up, and he hugs her tightly. Forget the book.
Ah, The Guides
At some point, we parents realize that raising humans is far more intricate than we ever expected, and we often feel lost, so we turn to The Guides. We cling to them like flashlights in a dark room, stacking them on our nightstands, hoping to absorb wisdom through osmosis. Each new book feels like it holds The Answer, The Solution, The Key to Parenting.
But here’s the catch: much of the parenting advice appears fantastic on paper. It makes sense and sounds logical. Strategies for handling behaviors, philosophies of discipline, and theories about what children need and how they think are laid out perfectly… on paper.
However, parenting in reality is an entirely different game. Kids are not always rational; they can be downright unpredictable. They are not simple; they are as diverse and unique as every adult, and their needs and motivations are as individual as fingerprints.
After 15 years and three kids, I’ve learned that parenting is an intensely personal journey. Trying to apply one guide’s philosophy directly to your family can lead to frustration. What works for one child may utterly fail with another. A technique that works for a while can suddenly stop. A guide may be a lifesaver for one family but completely unsuitable for yours. Many guides sound amazing in theory but falter in practice.
My feelings toward certain guides have fluctuated throughout my parenting journey. I particularly appreciate those that utilize comic strip scenarios to illustrate interactions between parents and children after employing the suggested strategies. You know the ones where the child is like, “Oh, yes. I feel calm and centered now thanks to your attentive listening.” Or, “Bedtime feels cozy and inviting because you’ve made me feel safe and loved.” Ha! Unfortunately, kids don’t follow a script. At least, mine never have.
Parenting is more of an art than a science, more organic than systematic, more improvisational than scripted. That’s not to say that research, systems, and even scripts don’t have their place; they can be invaluable tools. But what works on paper doesn’t always translate to real life. It often involves trial and error. Kids are constantly evolving. Humans are complex, so naturally, raising them is a multifaceted task.
After much reflection on the guides over the years, I’ve come to this conclusion: you need to develop your own parenting philosophy based on your values, beliefs, personality, and family vision. It may sound daunting, but it’s simpler than it seems and requires some time and consideration. Refine it, and write it down. A clear philosophical framework that defines your family will serve you better in the long run than any generic approach.
Another crucial element is genuinely understanding your children. Continually learn about them—“Learn your learner,” as some say. Strive to connect with and comprehend your kids as unique individuals. Then you can intentionally adjust your methods to fit each child’s personality and temperament, all while remaining within the boundaries of your overall parenting philosophy.
There’s nothing wrong with parenting based on guides, as long as it’s your guide and not someone else’s. And as long as you remain aware of the real-life dynamics of parenting, because that’s where the beautiful, challenging experience of raising children truly unfolds.
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Summary
Parenting books often present advice that seems sound in theory but fails in practice. Parenting is a unique and complex journey that requires a personalized approach. Crafting a parenting philosophy based on individual family values and understanding each child is essential for navigating the ups and downs of raising children.