After five challenging years of infertility, the moment finally arrived when my twins entered the world. I had always envisioned myself breastfeeding, but everything changed when they were born ten weeks premature. A couple of friends shared their experiences, warning me against starting breastfeeding due to the hectic nature of juggling visits between home and the hospital. They had regretted their decisions after just a few weeks. With a cesarean under my belt, I knew recovery would be difficult, and the added stress of trying to nurse premature twins was daunting. After weighing my options, I made the choice to forgo breastfeeding, and my family was incredibly supportive of my decision.
When one of my twins tragically passed away at eight weeks, I felt a sense of relief that I hadn’t started breastfeeding. I believed that if I had, the loss might have been even more painful, given the emotional bond that could have formed.
Fast forward four years, and my little princess arrived. This time, I was determined to try breastfeeding. A few hours after her birth, I finally had the chance. She latched on, but as a first-time mom, I was clueless about whether she was actually getting any milk. My hospital stay lasted four days, and I felt optimistic about our feeding sessions. She would suck, doze off, and then suck again hours later; I hoped she was getting something.
After my hospital stay, I moved to a mother/baby convalescent home, designed to help new mothers relax and recover. However, trouble began when my daughter developed a bit of jaundice, making her sleepy. Despite the nurses’ advice to remove her pajamas to wake her up, she continued to fall asleep during feedings. That’s when I was introduced to the pump, which I found to be an agonizing experience. Honestly, the first time I used it felt more painful than childbirth, and I barely produced any milk. The nurses suggested I alternate between pumping and breastfeeding every four hours, creating a frustrating cycle where my daughter slept and my milk supply didn’t start.
By the third day, my baby was the one crying inconsolably in the nursery until she finally received a full bottle of formula, which quelled her hunger. I still held onto hope, fueled by the encouragement of the breastfeeding advocates in the home. Surrounded by nurses and La Leche League counselors, I felt the pressure to continue trying. But the next day, when I attempted to latch her on once more, she blissfully slept through it. I was overwhelmed, and instead of feeling nurturing, I felt like I might explode. Thankfully, my husband walked in at that moment, and I handed her to him until I calmed down.
That was my turning point. If I was feeling so frustrated that I wanted to hurt my child, it was clear that breastfeeding wasn’t the right choice for us. I had to put my mental health and my daughter’s well-being first.
And you know what? My surviving twin, who was fed formula, is now a healthy and happy child. I truly believe that mothers should prioritize what works best for them. If you want to breastfeed, go for it! If it’s not working, don’t hesitate to stop, or even decide not to start at all. In my situation, my daughter was starving, and it was best for both of us when I switched her to formula.
If I’m fortunate enough to have a third child, I can confidently say I’ll skip the pump and start with bottles right away. And honestly? I’m completely at peace with that decision.
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Summary:
After years of infertility, I had twins but faced challenges breastfeeding them due to their premature birth. Despite my hopes, I ultimately chose to switch to formula for my daughter’s well-being. My experiences taught me that every mother’s journey is unique, and it’s essential to prioritize what works best for you.