“Just be thankful you have two healthy kids.”
“Maybe you can always try for a girl.”
“Gender is just a social construct; enjoy your kids for who they are.”
“It’s unfair to your sons to wish for a daughter.”
These are just a few remarks I’ve encountered when I express even a hint of disappointment about not having a daughter.
I have two wonderful sons, and I’m not planning to expand my family any further. This is my family, and I wouldn’t change a thing about them. My love for my boys is immense and unwavering. They are exactly who I want as my children, and I wouldn’t wish for them to be anyone different, including in terms of gender.
Honestly, I shouldn’t even have to justify my feelings. It would be pretty heartless to wish my sons weren’t born or to hope for a different sex entirely. I recognize that the sex they were born with may not define their gender identity. While my boys currently seem to embrace their “boyish” side, that could evolve. Gender is fluid, and I’m open to whatever path they may choose.
But I’m not discussing hypothetical scenarios; I’m talking about genuine emotions. Despite my rational understanding, there are moments when I deeply wish for a daughter. It’s a feeling that comes from the heart.
I have every right to feel this way. There’s nothing wrong or shameful in acknowledging my feelings. As long as I manage my emotions responsibly, I can express that longing without imposing guilt on my sons.
I often wonder why people react so strongly to feelings of gender disappointment. Too often, I feel the need to tiptoe around the subject, apologize, or pretend these feelings don’t exist. But whether you have all boys and wish for a girl, or vice versa, your feelings are valid and completely normal.
Most days, I’m busy with parenting and don’t dwell on the fact that I have sons instead of a daughter. Their rambunctiousness may shape my experience, but it’s not something I focus on constantly. However, there are days when a wave of longing sweeps over me—perhaps triggered by seeing a mother braiding her daughter’s hair or walking side-by-side with her. In those moments, the thought I’ll never experience that can be overwhelming.
Usually, this longing fades quickly, but sometimes it lingers. Contemplating helping a daughter through puberty or imagining her as a mother one day can be emotional. Those thoughts can break my heart a little.
But I’m an adult, and I can handle it. My feelings belong to me alone. I can experience a mix of emotions and allow myself to wish for a daughter without guilt.
So to address the unsolicited advice:
Of course, I’m grateful for my two healthy boys. I express that gratitude daily.
No, I won’t be trying for a girl; our family is complete. Even if I were to have another child, I know I can’t choose a specific sex (and the myths about that are just that—myths).
Yes, I understand gender is a construct, but we live in a world shaped by gender, and it’s natural for me to have feelings about my children’s identities.
And no, wishing for a daughter doesn’t diminish my love for my sons. Those feelings are separate and do not lessen their value in my life.
I wish we lived in a society where parents could express their complex emotions without judgment. I often find myself keeping quiet about my thoughts, only sharing with those I trust.
However, I’ve had conversations about my family dynamics in unexpected places—like the grocery store checkout line—and received unsolicited advice from relatives. It feels as though I’m expected to have no regrets over not having a daughter, lest I be seen as selfish for feeling gender disappointment.
I’m done with that. I’m a proud boy-mom who loves her sons while occasionally wishing she had a daughter. No need to sugarcoat it or feel guilty. Just normal life, with all its ups and downs.
I deserve to feel this way, and no one else should judge me for it. If you want to explore more on this topic, check out this insightful article for additional perspectives. You can also find valuable information about your fertility journey at Make a Mom and News Medical for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This article discusses the emotional complexities of being a parent to sons while feeling a sense of longing for a daughter. The author emphasizes that such feelings are valid and normal, regardless of societal expectations or opinions. It encourages open dialogue about gender disappointment without fear of judgment, affirming the importance of accepting one’s emotions as a part of the parenting experience.