“Is there anything more attractive than a guy doing the dishes?”
“My partner took care of the kids while I ran errands. Guess I owe him some affection!”
“My man vacuumed. Wow, that really turns me on.”
Hold on a second—what? Why do I keep hearing women say things like this? Why are there articles and quirky videos glorifying this concept? According to popular opinion, there’s nothing more alluring than a husband who shares household responsibilities, implying that it’s the wife’s duty to offer sexual favors in exchange. Honestly, I just don’t get it.
When I see my partner doing the dishes, my reaction is usually nothing—absolutely nothing. That’s just what you’re supposed to do when you live together. We shouldn’t feel compelled to respond with excitement or enthusiasm. Instead, we should think, “Oh look, my partner is helping out, great. Now, back to my day.” We shouldn’t be treating it like a monumental achievement that deserves a parade.
My partner left a stack of dirty dishes in the sink yesterday. I mean, did he think the Dish Fairy would take care of it? I doubt he believes I should be responsible for cleaning up after him. That would be absurd! Even though I could have taken a few minutes to load the dishwasher, I chose to text him instead and say I wasn’t going to wash his dishes. I know, it’s all very empowering, right? Or maybe I’m just being a bit petty. Either way, the crux of the matter is that this isn’t really about sex.
Okay, maybe it is a little. But when I saw those dirty dishes, my immediate thought was: Wow, this is really not increasing my desire to be intimate with him. This reaction illustrates why society has come to think that a husband doing his part is something worthy of praise and even sexual rewards. However, I believe we have it all wrong.
There’s a concept in math called necessary and sufficient conditions, which applies here. When men started helping out more at home, women became so relieved that we no longer had to do everything ourselves that we decided to reward our partners with intimacy. Over time, we began to equate household participation with sexual entitlement:
- Husband does his part = Husband gets laid
- Husband doesn’t do his part = Husband might still get laid
This mindset is misguided. Housework is a necessary but not sufficient condition for intimacy:
- Husband does his part = Husband might get laid, but likely for reasons unrelated to chores
- Husband doesn’t do his part = Wife’s interest in intimacy may vanish
Even if my partner did clean up, it wouldn’t exactly set my heart racing. I have my own interests, and scrubbing dishes isn’t one of them.
Some may argue, “What if he did the dishes and went above and beyond? What if he cleaned the floors or cooked dinner? Doesn’t he deserve some appreciation?” The answer is still no. While I appreciate the effort, it still doesn’t make me feel amorous. To me, housework doesn’t lead to intimacy. In fact, neglecting chores has the opposite effect on my desire.
If I were a man, I would feel insulted by the notion that sex should be a reward for doing basic household tasks. I would find it demeaning to think that I need sexual motivation to do what’s fair. I’d want my partner to desire me for things beyond chores—like tackling a tough project or just being a loving partner. Of course, I’d want to contribute at home, but I’d prefer intimacy to be just that—intimacy, without any strings attached.
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In summary, equating housework with sexual rewards is unhelpful. Both partners should contribute fairly, but intimacy should not be transactional. Respect and love should form the basis of the relationship, independent of who does what at home.