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Pregnancy
Embrace the Chaos: Always Carry a Flashlight
by Jamie Carson
Updated: Sep. 20, 2018
Originally Published: Feb. 15, 2016
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WARNING: This post is not for the faint-hearted.
So, here I am, hugely pregnant, and the experience has brought with it a series of not-so-glamorous surprises. For starters, my fingertips have gone numb for weeks—thanks to carpal tunnel, a common issue among pregnant women. It’s frustrating. My gums bleed while brushing, I’ve lost all the hair on my arms, and I can only find one comfortable sleeping position without my legs turning numb. On top of that, I’ve caught a cold and can only relieve it with hot baths and lots of sympathy. Oh, and let’s not forget about the little parasite inside me that’s siphoning off all my nutrients. As my Salvadoran housekeeper puts it, “Your baby is stealing your beauty.”
Things have been particularly tough lately. Just last week, I had to put my beloved 16-year-old cat to sleep, and while I called my mom to share my grief, she instead bombarded me with more family drama. As if that wasn’t enough, I got a call from my doctor confirming that I have gestational diabetes. I realize this sounds like a rough stand-up routine, but trust me, it all ties into the story.
Having gestational diabetes means I must prick my finger to test my blood four times a day, eat special meals five times a day, and I can’t even sleep properly because it makes my body go numb. My husband is out of town, my cat has passed away, and I’m stuck eating saltines and string cheese for lunch while managing these blood tests every few hours. And to top it all off, I can’t have a drink to unwind, so my friend and I decide to treat ourselves to a massage.
We head to a no-frills spa in my neighborhood that aims for serenity. The co-ed waiting area is awkward as we sit in robes, surrounded by others in the same predicament, flipping through old magazines. There are no private rooms, just a big space divided by curtains. As I settle into my tent, I notice something wet around my hips and butt. At first, I think maybe I didn’t dry off properly after my shower, but then I realize it smells distinctly like… well, semen.
Panic sets in. I sit up on the table, and there it is—evidence that I’ve rolled around in a puddle of someone else’s bodily fluid. My brain goes into overdrive. “This can’t be happening!” I tell myself as the masseuse walks in, and I awkwardly try to explain what’s going on while desperately hoping he doesn’t smell it too.
“Uh, there’s something on the bed here, and I think it’s… um… from a man. Don’t smell it.” Yes, that was my actual advice. He comes in, and as I try to shield myself with the blanket, I realize the mess is everywhere. I leap off the table, muttering about washing my hands while he investigates.
There’s a moment of insanity where I wonder if my water broke or if this is just another bizarre pregnancy experience. But as I wash my hands, all I can think about is making sure I don’t contract anything that could harm my baby.
I find my friend and stammer out what happened. Her immediate reaction? “That’s disgusting. We’re leaving.” But then, she surprises me by insisting we talk to the manager instead. We head to the front, where the masseuse confirms that the sheets are soaked, and the manager apologizes profusely, explaining that they only change a few layers of sheets after each client.
After a cold shower and a long wait, I finally get on a new table, facing the same masseuse who now looks even more mortified. The massage is awkward, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve just become part of some urban legend. All I can think about is whether I need to call my doctor about potential risks to my pregnancy.
At the end of the massage, I’m still worried and annoyed that it was cut short. When I start getting dressed, the receptionist rushes over to hug me and offers sympathetic words that only make me want to escape faster. The manager tries to handle the situation, but I insist on filing an incident report to ensure that this doesn’t happen to anyone else.
We write down what happened, and the computer crashes, adding to the absurdity of the entire experience. It’s a wild ride, but amidst the chaos, I remind myself that it’s all part of the journey into motherhood.
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Summary:
Pregnancy can be an unexpectedly messy journey, filled with challenges and surprises, as the author humorously recounts an unusual experience at a massage therapy session. From dealing with gestational diabetes to an embarrassing mishap involving an unclean massage table, the story explores the raw and chaotic side of pregnancy, highlighting the need for humor and resilience during difficult times.