Potty training at our home has been quite the adventure. While there’s no shortage of exasperation, it predominantly stems from the unpredictable temperament of our 2-year-old, who operates under an intricate set of rules before even considering the potty. After careful analysis and observation, I’ve compiled a list of 20 crucial conditions that must be satisfied for my toddler to successfully use the potty:
- Mercury must be in retrograde, with Jupiter in an ascending phase, accompanied by a rising bad moon.
- The bathroom should exude the freshness of a spring meadow—achieved through a rotation of freshly picked organic herbs tied with periwinkle velvet ribbon, avoiding artificial fragrances.
- Lighting must not exceed a total of 120 watts.
- The bathroom temperature should be meticulously maintained between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees Fahrenheit. Showers are strictly prohibited, as their steam will disrupt this delicate balance.
- A virgin sheep must be shorn within a 1,000-mile radius during the potty session.
- It is imperative to remain calm and avoid eye contact while making light requests, such as “please don’t pee on my arm” or “Whoa! Don’t touch that. It’s a pube.”
- One must predict whether the preferred potty will be the training option or the regular toilet. There is a 50/50 chance, and no hints will be given—choosing incorrectly will lead to immediate refusal and an inevitable bowel movement in 17 seconds.
- No commercial airplanes, seagulls, or crows may be flying overhead, although pigeons and vintage pre-WWII aircraft are permissible.
- Everyone must be barefoot—no socks allowed.
- An audience of at least four stuffed animals and one attentive cat must remain still throughout the experience.
- Potty usage is only valid on the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month that ends in “Y.” Exceptions are made for rainy days, which only apply to Thursdays.
- A deer and antelope must be frolicking together in a nearby range, alongside a roaming buffalo.
- The local library must be closed for any potty attempts to be entertained.
- Organic bananas should be on sale at Whole Foods.
- One-third of the doors in the house must be ajar.
- The kitchen rug must be slightly askew in a counterclockwise direction.
- The phone cannot ring for 15 minutes before or after any potty attempts, with texting or checking social media strictly forbidden.
- A parent must urgently need to use the restroom at the same time.
- A blood relative must be engaged in an unexpected discovery of an unsightly chin hair concurrently.
- A double rainbow must be visible over a pod of albino dolphins, guiding an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.
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In summary, potty training can be an intricate process governed by a whimsically specific set of requirements. Understanding these criteria can help parents navigate this challenging phase with a bit of humor and patience.