Last month, I shared my experiences with having three miscarriages in just six months. While many responses were kind and understanding, I also encountered some comments that lacked compassion, especially on social media. Typically, I avoid engaging with comments, but I felt compelled to express my thoughts on the topic of miscarriage, the role of the Internet, and how we can better support women navigating this painful experience.
First off, you are not a medical professional.
People mean well when they offer advice online, particularly regarding health issues. Some commenters suggested I hadn’t given my body enough time to heal, which contributed to my miscarriages. Others claimed I didn’t need fertility treatments since I could conceive, and one person even insisted that I likely had lupus. Unless you’re a reproductive endocrinologist who has reviewed my medical history, please refrain from offering medical opinions. Sharing personal experiences is great and can be beneficial, but diagnosing someone else’s situation is not helpful.
Secondly, it’s important to recognize that experiencing grief over a miscarriage is valid.
Even if one has had an abortion. In a comment thread, a woman expressed that a friend shouldn’t mourn a miscarriage because she had previously chosen to terminate a pregnancy. Let’s be clear: it’s 2023, and abortion is a legal choice that women make for numerous personal reasons. I had an abortion years ago, and while it was one of the toughest choices I ever made, it doesn’t take away my right to grieve my miscarriages. Also, for those who believe that a D&C after a missed miscarriage is denying a miracle—let’s just say, that perspective is unhelpful.
Grief is a personal journey, so please allow me mine.
Some commenters suggested I should feel fortunate that I can conceive or pointed out that worse things exist, particularly for those who already have children. While I’m aware that there are greater tragedies in the world, that doesn’t diminish my right to grieve. Grief is subjective and unique to each individual, so let’s skip the “first-world problems” mentality.
Lastly, you cannot dictate how someone else should feel.
A few commenters stated that I shouldn’t feel shame over my experiences, questioning how I arrived at that feeling. Grief is often irrational, and anyone dealing with loss—whether from miscarriage or any other circumstance—has every right to their emotions, regardless of how it might appear to others.
The key takeaway?
If you know someone who has gone through a miscarriage, the best support you can offer is to listen, validate their feelings, and avoid the urge to “fix” the situation. Keep your judgments to yourself, as these principles can apply to various personal situations, both online and offline.
For more insights on this topic, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re interested in alternatives for conception, you might also explore this authority on at-home insemination kits.
In summary, it’s crucial to approach discussions around miscarriage with empathy, understanding, and respect for individual experiences. Each person’s grief is valid, and we should strive to support rather than judge.