It was the rage that truly unsettled me. I anticipated feeling downcast, sad, and irritable—emotions that certainly came, but the intensity of the rage was something I never saw coming. This overwhelming anger ultimately pushed me to seek help.
About five weeks after the arrival of my second daughter, Lily, my husband noticed that I was struggling. In an effort to lift my spirits, he surprised me with a half-day at a local spa. I was ecstatic at the thought of indulging in some pampering with a manicure, facial, and massage—all without a baby or toddler in tow for a few precious hours. Pure bliss.
However, upon returning home, I was met with the unmistakable sound of Lily crying from the basement. Instantly, my body tensed, and the feeling of relaxation vanished. My husband informed me that Lily had refused to eat for the duration of my outing. She had taken a small amount of milk from a bottle but subsequently rejected it—and she never took a bottle again.
From that moment on, I felt the rage beginning to bubble up. I felt trapped by my colicky, sleepless, non-bottle-taking baby. I was exasperated with my toddler, Emma, who seemed to be in a perpetual state of tantrum. I began to seriously question my choice to leave my full-time writing job for freelance work.
I was overwhelmed, despondent, anxious, and angry every single day. Then one evening, during one of Emma’s outbursts, I completely lost it. I couldn’t stop the hurtful words that escaped my lips. I felt a visceral urge to lash out and make her stop (thankfully, I didn’t). I longed to be anywhere but there.
The rage that coursed through me was otherworldly. Fortunately, my husband was there to step in. The memory of that night makes me feel physically ill—I shudder at how I acted and the potential consequences. It was the most terrifying experience I’ve ever faced.
The following day, I reached out to both my primary care physician and my OB-GYN. They collaborated to get me started on Zoloft and into therapy without delay. Within days, I felt a noticeable shift. The sadness, the disinterest in life, the anxiety—all of it improved with the medication.
However, managing the rage took more effort. While Zoloft was beneficial, therapy proved to be the key element in regaining control. Four years later, I’m still navigating my depression. Although my postpartum depression has improved, it evolved into another form of depression following my father’s unexpected passing. What I’m dealing with now may not fit neatly into a category, but I’m still working through it.
The rage remains the most challenging symptom to manage and is often the least discussed aspect of depression. This is precisely why I felt compelled to share my journey. To all the mothers grappling with postpartum depression, anxiety, and especially the accompanying rage—you are not alone. You are not a bad mother. With the right support, things will improve.
Motherhood is about facing tough challenges. Sometimes, the hardest part is reaching out for help, a phone call that was daunting for me to make. But I’ve learned that depression can affect anyone. Those fearful feelings do not define my worth as a mother. With medication, therapy, and healthier lifestyle choices, I’m starting to reclaim my sense of self.
Yes, I continue to battle depression, sadness, and rage, but now, I finally feel like I’m on the path to victory. If you’re interested in more insights on similar topics, check out this post on intracervical insemination for additional support.
In summary, postpartum depression can manifest in unexpected ways, including intense rage. It’s vital to seek help and understand that these feelings do not reflect your abilities as a mother. With time and the right resources, recovery is possible. For those on a similar journey, resources such as this excellent guide on infertility can offer valuable information, and if you’re considering at-home options, Make a Mom is a reputable retailer of insemination kits.
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