As I glance to my right, I notice her eyes are gently shut. I lean closer, confirming that her typically animated face has softened in slumber. Sleep must have crept in during the movie, quietly coaxing her to close her eyes and explore the gentle stories within her imagination. A wave of warmth fills my chest as I prepare for what lies ahead.
I carefully slide off the couch, move the coffee table aside, and assess my next steps. Today, she has brought along her cozy blanket and beloved stuffed bunny. I position Bunny in front of her, wrap her in the blanket, and lift all three into my arms. My bare feet cautiously feel for any toys or items her brother may have left behind as I navigate through the dimly lit basement on my way to the stairs. Holding her close, I ascend the 17 steps, bearing 50 pounds of child, stuffed animal, and blanket. The weight is not a burden; rather, I worry about avoiding any accidental bumps against doorframes.
I understand that these moments won’t last forever. There will come a time when I won’t be the one she drifts off beside, nor the one she chooses to watch films with. I won’t always be the comforting presence she seeks when she needs support or wishes to share her day. These fleeting moments of motherhood will inevitably evolve as she grows.
As I step from the carpeted stairs to the cool hardwood of the hallway, I instinctively lean over to shield her from the harsh overhead light. I can hear my partner in the adjacent room, typing away with ESPN crackling in the background. I softly whisper “shhh” by her ears to prevent any sudden awakening as I round the corner to continue our ascent. I catch a glimpse of my son seated behind my partner, engrossed in the sports highlights flashing on the screen, perhaps intentionally ignoring me, not wanting to be prompted for bedtime yet.
Observing him, I reflect on how he is my eldest—clever, ever-changing, and yearning for independence, yet still holding onto that charming smile he had as a toddler. That smile has the power to uplift and dismantle me simultaneously. Currently, his focus is absorbed by the screen, and I gently shift my attention back to my little bundle. The sounds and lights seem to stir her slightly, and I adjust my hold, willing her to remain asleep. Fortunately, she does. I switch off the hallway light with my elbow and we continue our climb.
The final fifteen steps with my load are not daunting. I know I’m capable of this. There’s no need to question my ability or ask for assistance; I’ve faced far greater challenges since becoming a parent, and I understand that the most demanding hurdles lie ahead. I am determined not to drop her; my grip is strong and unwavering.
Upon entering her room, I find it still in disarray despite her earlier claims of tidiness. Navigating around ponies, art materials, and various toys, I finally reach her bed. Using my knee, I push the blankets aside just enough to lay her down in her favorite spot. A bit of careful maneuvering allows me to untangle the sheets and tuck her in properly—Bunny on her right and her Minion blanket on her left, ensuring she is snugly covered up to her chin. As I gaze down at her, it feels as though I have misplaced my favorite blanket; the warmth is there, but something essential is missing.
I can’t predict how many more times I will have the privilege of carrying her like this. I wonder how long she will remain my little girl, when she will outgrow my embrace, or when she will no longer need me in the same ways. These moments are fleeting; I know I will realize they have passed without truly comprehending their significance, and that thought fills me with dread. So, I cherish the weight she allows me to carry for as long as I can.
I inhale the familiar scent of maple and markers that lingers when we’re this close and etch it into my memory. I trust in my ability to lift her whenever she needs me, to safely guide her to where she belongs, and to leave her when the time is right.
A soft sigh interrupts the quiet as she shifts and curls up before settling once more. I smooth the covers over her and place a gentle kiss on her forehead, stepping quietly out of her room with a silent wish for sweet dreams, whispering, “I love you.”
For Further Insights
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Summary
The narrative captures a parent’s bittersweet experience of carrying their sleepy child, reflecting on the fleeting nature of childhood. It emphasizes the emotional weight of motherhood, the cherished moments spent together, and the inevitable changes that come with growth. The author finds joy in these intimate moments, while also acknowledging the passing of time with a mix of nostalgia and longing.