This discussion may not resonate with everyone, but it holds significance for some mothers who need to hear these words. I am writing this for them.
I am fortunate to have a perfect, healthy, and delightful little boy whom I am proud to call my son. He embodies everything I’ve ever dreamed of and so much more. Every day, I strive to ensure he feels grounded, nurtured, cherished, and loved unconditionally.
However, I am not a transformed person just because I became a mother.
I assumed that motherhood would fundamentally change me. I anticipated a profound emotional shift, but that didn’t happen. I remain the same individual who married a wonderful partner, held a fulfilling job, enjoyed evenings with friends, and loved my leisurely sleep-ins.
In the immediate aftermath of childbirth, I found myself waiting. I was waiting for the overwhelming wave of love that countless other mothers described. But instead, nothing changed.
In moments of self-doubt, well-meaning messages from friends and family only served to amplify my feelings of inadequacy:
- “Have you ever experienced love like this before?”
- “Doesn’t seeing him make your heart race?”
- “Don’t you feel complete now?”
I believed that motherhood meant an intense affection for a tiny human with overwhelming needs, a sense of fulfillment with the arrival of my first child, and a deep understanding of maternal devotion.
Yet, I realized I wasn’t that kind of mother.
Truthfully, I already felt complete. My husband and I poured ourselves into preparing for our son’s arrival, addressing personal challenges and creating a nurturing environment for him. After 38 arduous weeks of pregnancy, the moment he was placed in my arms was a relief, but it didn’t change my world; it simply adjusted to accommodate him.
Despite this, I held out hope for the emotions that would define my motherhood experience. They never came.
I didn’t feel transformed. I was still me—now with additional responsibilities, a few more wrinkles, and a different schedule, yet still enjoying my favorite shows. I felt ashamed for not experiencing the emotions that society often associates with motherhood. I worried I was somehow failing my son because I didn’t gaze into his eyes and feel a sense of completion.
I struggled with the guilt that accompanied that shame.
Fast forward 18 months, and with time and a bit of experience, I can confidently say: I was not failing.
Motherhood encompasses a wide spectrum of emotions—rocky, painful, exhausting, yet rewarding and humbling. While I may not feel like a different person, subtle changes reveal themselves upon reflection. I’ve become more affectionate, empathetic, and understanding toward the choices of other mothers. Yet, at my core, I remain the same, and I take pride in that.
I appreciate my identity as a person, friend, partner, and yes, even as a mother. I value that I’ve maintained my individuality and can show my son that I have aspirations, interests, and achievements beyond being his mom. I refuse to let others’ expectations dictate how I perceive my emotional capacity. I will navigate this journey authentically, for him and for myself.
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Summary:
This article explores the complexities of maternal love, emphasizing that not all mothers experience the profound emotional shift often expected after childbirth. It highlights the importance of maintaining one’s identity while embracing the responsibilities of motherhood. This journey is unique for each individual, and feelings can evolve gradually.