When I learned during my ultrasound that my first child would be a girl, I felt a surge of emotions that I couldn’t quite articulate. It wasn’t joy that brought tears to my eyes; instead, it was a mix of anxiety and the weight of societal expectations. My mind flooded with troubling thoughts: “misogyny,” “inequality,” and “the gender pay gap.” Fast forward a decade, and I am the mother of three daughters. Though my fears have not disappeared, I have sought to embrace parenting with tools and insights I’ve gathered along the way. Below is a compilation of lessons learned, particularly focusing on what to avoid while raising daughters.
1. Don’t Give Up Your Career
I spent a decade in caregiving roles, which I found to be both fulfilling and significant. However, a study from Harvard pointed out that daughters of working mothers earn significantly more than those with stay-at-home moms. This revelation only heightened my fears of being an inadequate role model. Now, I work from home while my kids are in school, but my daughters still think I am a stay-at-home mom. Just the other day, my eldest remarked, “Isn’t Charlotte’s mom a stay-at-home mom like you?” No, I reminded her, I work now! But she seemed oblivious.
2. Avoid Complimenting Her Looks
After reading an article by a prominent media figure, I stopped telling my daughters they were pretty. The article highlighted how such compliments could lead girls to prioritize beauty over intelligence and achievements. Having grown up in a culture that idolizes beauty, I understand the pressures associated with looks. Yet, little girls are often stunning without the societal pressures that come later.
3. Model Positive Self-Image
After viewing a moving ad from Dove, I realized that how I talk about my own body matters. Daughters are like mirrors, reflecting our self-perceptions. So when my daughter questions my body, I frame it positively, calling it the “Belt of Motherhood,” an emblem of strength and experience. In reality, I often feel less than confident about my appearance, but I know it’s important to set a positive example.
4. Refrain from Labeling Her as Bossy
The “Ban Bossy” campaign made me rethink how I address assertiveness in my daughters. When my 5-year-old throws a tantrum over her food, I resist the urge to call her bossy. Instead, I focus on her feelings and encourage her to express herself in healthier ways.
5. Don’t Hide Your Imperfections
My own mother often emphasized appearances, asking me if I was the “prettiest” one at social gatherings, which I found shallow. It’s essential for daughters to see the full spectrum of our humanity. They should know that mothers can be beautiful, strong, and flawed—all at the same time. It’s okay to admit that you’re avoiding carbs because of your favorite jeans; it helps them understand that self-love is a journey, not a destination.
So, fellow mothers, feel free to tell your daughter she’s beautiful and to encourage her assertiveness. Just remember to steer clear of the influences that promote unrealistic standards, like those found in the Bratz aisle. This will help cultivate a healthier sense of self in your daughters.
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In summary, raising daughters involves navigating a complex array of societal expectations. By avoiding certain pitfalls—like underestimating the value of a career, focusing solely on appearances, or neglecting to model authenticity—we can foster confident, resilient young women.