In today’s world, divorce has become a common occurrence, yet it seems that those who remain married often overlook the complexities of shared parenting. Frequently, I encounter unsolicited advice and comments from individuals who do not grasp the nuances of co-parenting dynamics. While I wouldn’t wish the challenges of divorce on anyone, a little understanding of the life of a divorced parent could go a long way. If I sound frustrated, it’s because I am. I’m simply exhausted from the interference in my already complicated parenting schedule. So, let’s clarify a few things that could help us better connect.
When I was in a committed relationship with my former spouse, having my child with me around the clock, I was fine with hiring a babysitter for social engagements. However, with parenting time now divided, unless it’s a significant event (such as a wedding or funeral), I prefer to spend every moment possible with my child rather than leaving her with a sitter or family members.
There are numerous occasions when I have to skip gatherings with friends, and I accept this because it allows me quality time with my daughter. What I find intolerable are the inconsiderate remarks made by those who just don’t understand.
These comments often come from those without children (who may eventually understand) or from women who are fortunate enough to spend time with their kids daily but are clearly craving a break to enjoy a glass of wine and some eye candy. Let me provide you with five essential guidelines to navigate this situation—think of it as a modern-day etiquette guide.
1. Don’t Suggest I ‘Just Get a Babysitter’
Unless it’s a wedding or a funeral, please refrain from asking me to sacrifice precious time with my child for a night out. Not only do I need to pay for that sitter, but I would also be missing out on limited time with my daughter. I appreciate your enthusiasm for social gatherings, but please show some understanding.
2. Don’t Request I Swap Weekends with My Ex
Seriously? You want me to rearrange not only my schedule but also that of my child and ex-spouse? Such requests can disrupt multiple lives and should be considered carefully before being made.
3. Don’t Say I’m ‘Lucky’ for the ‘Break’
I do my best to cherish the time I have without my child—believe me, shopping at Target without extra toys to bribe her is a luxury. However, not having her with me isn’t something I consider fortunate; it’s just a reality I manage.
4. Don’t Get Upset If I Have to Cancel Plans
Life is unpredictable, and while I strive for consistency, sometimes I must prioritize my responsibilities as a parent. If I have to cancel, it’s due to my commitment to being there for my child, not because I’m unreliable.
5. Don’t Assume My Partner Can Just Step In
My husband, who has a wonderful relationship with my daughter, is her stepfather—not her biological father. It’s a complex relationship that we are all navigating, and it is inappropriate to suggest he take on full parenting duties.
Co-parenting and dealing with divorce isn’t simple, and unless you’re experiencing it firsthand, it can be difficult to fully comprehend. Thankfully, my close friends understand this dynamic and never violate these guidelines. But my circle is small.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting I never enjoy nights out. I do, but I make sure they align with my child’s schedule, so I don’t expect my friends to adjust their plans for me. However, if you genuinely want me to participate in something, please consider my logistical realities. With a shared custody situation, my schedule often looks organized—a month in advance, no less. There are, of course, unexpected changes, but I can usually provide my availability if you want me included in your plans.
Many overlook these considerations regularly. Instead of feeling frustrated when a friend misses your birthday celebration because she is with her child, perhaps cultivate a little empathy. The truth is, I would willingly exchange every opportunity to be child-free for the chance to have my daughter with me every day.
Understand this about a divorced mother trying to juggle her commitments: she desires to be there. She longs to dress up, apply makeup, and indulge in some adult fun. Missing out on social events is not easy for her. However, the time with her child is what truly matters, and that will always take precedence.
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Summary:
Navigating the complexities of co-parenting and divorce can be challenging, especially when faced with misunderstandings from those who are not living it. There are important guidelines for friends and acquaintances to consider to foster empathy and support for divorced parents. Ultimately, the priority for any devoted parent remains the well-being and time invested in their child.