Updated: Aug. 3, 2023
Originally Published: Jan. 5, 2023
This evening, I found myself seated on the floor outside my son’s bedroom, phone in hand, dressed in my pajamas, with my hair in a messy bun, waiting for my lively 2-year-old, Oliver, to settle down. He was giggling and calling out, “Mommy, look at this!” as I hoped he would soon drift off to sleep. Admittedly, I “should” have taught him to fall asleep independently by this age, but the reality of “should haves” has become a constant theme in my life.
After an hour of waiting, he finally surrendered to sleep, and I made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I stood there, I caught a glimpse of my weary reflection. The woman staring back at me was just that—a woman—though I often feel like a child trying to navigate a chaotic world, all while hoping to figure it out along the way. My gaze fell on the sink, where a bit of mildew had begun to form, and I sighed, thinking, “I can’t seem to keep anything in order these days.”
I wasn’t always this way. In the past, my life and parenting were dictated by strict rules and checklists. I believed being a good person—and a good mother—meant adhering to these standards without fail. But then came the nine months that altered everything, plunging me into a series of “should haves” and “good enoughs.”
My life transformed during the pregnancies and births of my two sons. There’s a profound change that occurs during those months, filled with hope and new beginnings. Tragically, nine months can also carry a heavy burden. Nearly a year ago, I held my youngest son as he passed away, and just nine months later, I found myself in a courtroom, finalizing the end of my marriage—a difficult but necessary step.
In this past year, I’ve become intimately familiar with the monster called pain. Some mornings, I wake up feeling as if I’m enveloped in fog, burdened by exhaustion. I navigate through my days, sometimes caught in a haze of restless thoughts that keep me awake into the late hours. If I could remain in my pajamas, binge-watching Netflix all day, I would gladly do so. If meals could magically appear before me, I would consider it a dream come true. If I could hire someone to clean up my disarray, I’d jump at the chance.
However, I don’t have the luxury to give in to these desires. I have a sandy-haired, blue-eyed child who climbs into my bed each morning, whispers “Mommy snuggle,” and moments later, tugs my hand to signal it’s time for breakfast. I plant my feet on the ground, and he looks up, asking, “Mommy, carry me like a baby.” With weary eyes, I lift his 35-pound frame into my arms, reminding myself that there will soon come a day when I can no longer lift him with ease. In that moment, I inhale the scent of his hair, and he rests his head on my shoulder.
Regardless of how little sleep I got or the challenges of the day ahead, it all fades away in the face of my love for him. He is my motivation to keep pushing forward, even when the thought of hiding from my responsibilities seems tempting. I can’t and won’t give up. Yes, I am tired, and yes, I would relish the chance to stay in bed for another five hours. But when morning arrives, I recognize that he relies on me, and I depend on him to rise and face the day.
This past year has heightened my awareness of life’s fragility. While life can be overwhelming, it can also be filled with beauty, hope, and sweetness. The moments when I feel utterly drained pale in comparison to the tender instances, like when I curl up next to him in his toddler bed, singing him a lullaby. He wraps his chubby arms around my neck, kisses my cheek, and softly whispers, “Mommy, I love you.”
Amidst all my “should haves” and “good enoughs,” and the many things I’ve let slide during this challenging year, I realize that at the end of the day, love is what truly matters. This tough season will eventually come to a close, and while the scars may remain, we will continue to take each breath and move forward. Love is what sustains us.
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In summary, the experience of navigating motherhood amidst personal challenges has taught me that love is the most crucial element. It propels us through hardships and reminds us of what is truly important. Through this journey, embracing love allows us to find hope and strength, no matter the circumstances.