On the occasion of our tenth wedding anniversary, I decided to buy a gift for my husband, which is a customary gesture. I can vividly recall the moment I tossed it at him. That was six years ago, and we are still together today.
I hold a pragmatic view on divorce; I believe that one person can only sustain a marriage for so long. Despite the tumultuous years, filled with stress and irritation, I have been married to the same individual for over 16 years.
Offering marital advice is a tricky endeavor; every individual and couple faces unique circumstances making it difficult to address specific concerns. Yet, there are a few truths I can confidently share:
- At some point, your partner will evoke feelings of pure, unadulterated annoyance. This is inevitable, albeit hopefully infrequent.
- Initial worries will persist regardless of changing circumstances. In the early days, I was anxious about our financial situation—despite our current stability, I still experience anxiety about whether my debit card will go through.
- Change is a constant in life, and we inevitably evolve. Overcoming hardships and encountering new experiences shape who we are.
- Your partner will undergo changes as well.
- Even when you engage in every activity together, you will change in different ways. Your distinct backgrounds and perspectives ensure that experiences, like witnessing a sunset, will be perceived differently by each of you.
So, how have I managed to stay married? First and foremost, my husband is an exceptional person. He is not perfect, but he generally exhibits kindness and reliability. Our compatibility also plays a significant role; we complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. I tend to be more energetic and social, while he embodies steadiness and responsibility—qualities I grew to appreciate deeply after our wedding.
My husband possesses admirable self-control, which is crucial for a lasting partnership. We both approach our disagreements with care, avoiding hurtful words that can’t be taken back. Even during moments of anger, I remain aware of the long-term consequences my words might have, and I believe he does as well.
There are times I wish he would express anger or passion more openly, as his calm demeanor can be frustrating. However, over time, I’ve come to recognize that his level-headedness is ultimately beneficial for our relationship.
I recently had the opportunity to speak with several couples’ counselors for an article I was writing. Initially, I didn’t think my marriage was exemplary; I had several areas of concern. However, after those discussions, I realized I have a pretty solid relationship. The major red flags that the counselors highlighted—such as rolling your eyes during conversations—are behaviors I can’t imagine engaging in, even on my worst days.
Yet, there was a particularly challenging period I refer to as a Very Troubling Year (VTY). Our ten-year anniversary coincided with this difficult time. I often contemplated leaving, envisioning the logistics of our separation; where I would live and how we would co-parent.
During a family trip to Costa Rica, I distinctly remember sitting in the passenger seat, staring out the window, and repeatedly thinking, “I want to leave.” I was not a pleasant person to be around during that time.
The VTY stemmed from a combination of factors. My husband struggled to complete projects, such as a bathroom remodel and pursuing his master’s degree. This lack of follow-through frayed my patience, leading me to feel ignored and disrespected. I was further burdened when I became pregnant and experienced daily sickness, rendering me unable to work. It was an incredibly isolating feeling.
After the birth of our second child, my mental health did not significantly improve. I found myself in a deep depression, despite seeking treatment. I barely recall much from that period.
About 15 months into my feelings of resentment, my husband made a conscious effort to change. When I later asked about his motivation, his expression spoke volumes—he genuinely didn’t want our marriage to continue in a state of silent resentment.
Of course, we’ve faced other challenges since then. My husband struggles with grocery budgeting, and our timelines for tasks often differ. But how do you navigate a marriage? You persist and avoid drastic actions. You strive to recognize the positive traits in your partner, even when it feels challenging. After all, you chose to be with this person for a reason.
Should you stay together? That’s a complex question. If both partners are willing to put in the effort, it’s worth pursuing. If one or both are no longer committed, it may be time to reassess. At least you can walk away knowing you did everything possible, rather than leaving things unresolved.
For more insights on marriage and relationships, you might find helpful resources on pregnancy and home insemination at WHO or explore this guide for at-home insemination options. Additionally, if you’re seeking more support or have questions, feel free to check out our other articles here.
In summary, the journey of marriage is fraught with challenges, but it can also lead to profound growth and understanding. It requires commitment, compassion, and the willingness to adapt through life’s trials.