“I’m halfway to adulthood,” you said this morning, and my heart sank. It feels like just yesterday when you were my tiny boy, my first-born. You noticed my reaction, your face transforming as you added, “It’s OK. I’ll take my time.”
But you won’t, my dear, as children naturally yearn to grow up. I will watch the next nine years fly by just as swiftly as the last nine have, and soon you will be off on your own. There’s a mix of excitement and melancholy in this realization, especially when I think of the baby who first filled our lives with joy.
You know what? Your birth marked not just your entry into the world but also my transformation. It was a joint celebration—your arrival into life and my awakening to a vibrant, new reality filled with love, color, and challenges.
The Journey of Being Firstborn
Being the firstborn isn’t easy. You were our initial leap into parenting, our grand experiment. Your dad and I were novices, unsure of what to expect when you entered the world, and often still feel that way. You have challenged our understanding of parenting, uprooting everything we thought we knew and placing us in a landscape that tested our limits but ultimately helped us grow. You’ve shown us the boundaries to set and taught us the true meaning of unconditional love.
It’s not to say that your siblings haven’t contributed; it’s just that you paved the way. You were the first one we laid in the crib, the first one we fretted over during sleepless nights, the first whose smile reached the depths of our hearts, leaving us in awe. You’ve made us feel a spectrum of emotions—from overwhelming joy to frustration that ignited our tempers.
You pushed boundaries, shaking our foundational beliefs. Your whirlwind of energy and emotions caught us off guard, but it was a beautiful chaos filled with adoration. You were reconstructing us, piece by piece. Through you, we learned to navigate the tumult of doubt and hope, releasing our control over what we could not influence in your life.
Reflections on Mistakes
We have made mistakes—certainly. For those, we sincerely apologize. Yet, there is one that weighs heavily on my heart, one that I can’t simply brush aside.
During my pregnancy with you, I was filled with joy at your lively kicks while simultaneously poring over parenting books in an attempt to prepare myself. Initially, your father and I approached parenting from an authoritarian perspective, shaped by our own upbringings. However, we didn’t truly understand the implications of our actions until years later. During that time, we often overlooked emotions, resorting to hitting while preaching against it and yelling while telling you to stay calm. We inadvertently taught you to be better than us, all while you were just a child.
How could that not affect your innocent heart? One day, I opened a book by Paul Ekman on recognizing emotions, and I was struck by the image of eyes that resembled yours—dark and searching. The caption read: Despair. It was a painful moment, realizing you were crying out for understanding and support.
That day I fell to my knees and declared, “We need a better way.” It became a turning point for us, launching years of research and exploration into effective parenting strategies. Although we weren’t perfect, those dark eyes were replaced with brighter ones. You began to express a range of emotions more freely. We learned to hold you close during turbulent moments, affirming, “This is hard. I am here. You are safe.”
Celebrating Your Growth
Now, as you celebrate your 9th birthday, you’re on the cusp of becoming a young man. I remain in awe of who you are becoming. My heart still swells with love at your smile and laughter, just like the day you arrived—early and smelling of eucalyptus and mint from my lotion. You are my cherished one, my spirited firstborn.
You are loved deeply and wholly, simply for being you.
Further Resources
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Summary: This heartfelt letter reflects on the profound journey of parenting, emphasizing the unique bond between a mother and her firstborn son. It navigates the challenges, mistakes, and ultimately the love that defines their relationship, while also recognizing the growth they’ve experienced together.