Kids really do grow up in the blink of an eye. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “How soon until this little one’s out of the house and earning a paycheck?” on one of those exhausting days, you’re not alone. Just last night, as we watched little Ella take her first steps, my partner Mike turned to me and asked, “If scientists could freeze time, would you want to have more kids?”
After a hearty laugh, my answer was a firm, “Absolutely not.” Initially, I was surprised that I felt so certain, but as I reflected, the reasons became clear. Nine months of discomfort, followed by labor pains that feel like they might split you in two, and then there’s that delightful moment when the doctor says, “I can’t figure out where all this blood is coming from” while lights shine bright on your most intimate areas for an audience at a teaching hospital.
Yet, amid the melancholy of knowing that Ella is already 18 months old—meaning no more first smiles, no more first steps, and no more adorable scrunched-up faces at that awful rice cereal—I remind myself of the baby milestones I won’t have to face again. Here are ten that I’m relieved to leave behind:
- The first time you experience a projectile spit-up that mandates an immediate bathtub session—fully clothed, of course.
- Discovering the first dried, crunchy umbilical cord stump floating around in footie pajamas.
- Making that nerve-wracking call to Poison Control.
- Hearing the Poison Control operator chuckle when you mention, “My baby just ate Butt Paste.”
- The first outing without a diaper bag, resulting in a makeshift diaper fashioned from socks and electrical tape while trying to avoid touching any surfaces in a public restroom.
- That moment when your nursing infant suddenly jerks, yanking out your hoop earring.
- Experiencing the first diaper explosion that necessitates a complete overhaul of the pack-n-play.
- Realizing you have two large wet spots on your shirt after hours of being in public.
- Losing an entire night’s sleep to a baby crying for seven straight hours, only for them to fall asleep right before your alarm goes off.
- The dreaded last-minute baby-proofing, where you install a cabinet lock on the changing table after finding your little one joyfully covered in baby powder.
See? Just like that, I feel a bit better! Instead of getting misty-eyed, I should probably revise that title to “10 Baby Milestones I’m Grateful I Probably Won’t Have to Deal With Again.” After all, we still have a little one around the house, so it’s not too late for her to sample some Butt Paste. If you’re curious about more parenting chronicles, you can check out this post for additional insights. And if you’re considering at-home insemination options, Cryobaby offers reliable kits for your needs. Also, if you’re looking for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, WebMD has excellent resources available.
To sum it all up, while the joys of parenting come with their share of challenges, there are certainly some experiences that I’m more than happy to leave in the past.
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