Last week, an article by Sarah Mitchell titled “What’s Stopping the Gender Revolution? Child Care Costs That Rival College Tuition” took social media by storm, eliciting a wave of sympathetic reactions. My story echoes that of many middle-class women: before having kids, I enjoyed a decent job that compensated me fairly but not extravagantly. I was working as a contractor for a firm that didn’t provide benefits like health insurance or maternity leave. When the recession struck just as I was expecting my first child, the work opportunities evaporated. Unemployment benefits were out of reach, and I struggled to find a position that would cover child care costs for one and then two children. I also felt uneasy about the available child care options, which predominantly consisted of underqualified individuals, many of whom were undocumented immigrants, or overworked day care staff.
Despite these challenges, I always portrayed my decision to stay home as a personal choice to myself and others. “Those early years are so precious.” “I can always go back to work later…” and so on. My friends who also opted to remain at home often echoed similar sentiments. Yet occasionally, we’d admit that we would have liked to work, perhaps part-time—two to four days a week—if such roles were available. Or that we may have even preferred full-time work, but not the grueling 70-hour weeks, and seriously, who can afford $40,000 annually for questionable or even unsafe child care? With maternity leaves often limited to just 12 weeks, the thought of leaving a three-month-old in day care was unbearable.
So, we “chose” to step away from our careers.
Framing this as a choice feels less painful than recognizing the no-win situation we were in.
The Concept of Choice
The concept of choice permeates discussions about family-friendly policies. Read through the comments on any article discussing the challenges of balancing work with child care expenses, and you’ll find someone lamenting, “Children are a choice—why should the rest of us pay for your child care? You don’t pay for my dog kennel!” This raises a troubling question: if only the affluent can afford to have children, who will care for the next generation when the working class is no longer viable? Will parents have to post ads in elite magazines like Town and Country?
Another example of the “choice” narrative includes the idea that women voluntarily gravitate towards lower-paid care professions, select flexible jobs to accommodate family needs, and ultimately decide to exit the workforce when the pressure of unpaid sick days becomes overwhelming. This leads to complaints from coworkers about having to “pick up the slack,” mirroring frustrations about those on maternity leave.
Labeling this experience as a choice is less painful than facing the reality that, despite our education, hard work, and determination, we too couldn’t achieve a satisfactory “work-life balance.” You might find yourself browsing Pinterest for lunchbox ideas not because you want to, but because your ambitions have been shelved since becoming a parent. (And while I love creative lunch ideas just as much as anyone, I certainly don’t want them to become my full-time focus.)
Research by Nicole M. Stephens at the Kellogg School of Management and Cynthia S. Levine from Northwestern reveals that the narrative of choice obscures the systemic challenges parents, especially women, face when trying to juggle child care and careers. In one study, mothers who viewed their situation as a deliberate choice were less likely to acknowledge the discrimination and barriers highlighted in statistics about gender inequality than those who didn’t frame their circumstances in that way.
In a different experiment, undergraduates exposed to a message about choice—like “Choosing to Leave: Women’s Experiences Away from the Workforce”—were more inclined to believe that gender inequality no longer exists compared to those who saw a more neutral message, such as “Women at Home: Experiences Away from the Workforce.” Another relevant study showed that both men and women continue to perpetuate traditional courtship and marital roles, framing them as personal preferences.
This choice narrative is convenient; it feels empowering. However, it simplifies the reality that many parents, particularly women, face when forced to make difficult decisions about work and child care. In my case, claiming I chose to stay home overlooks 35 years of cultural conditioning. My husband had a more stable career when we married, and he focused on being a provider while I sought flexibility. We both absorbed societal messages about men as breadwinners and women as caregivers.
Employers often refuse to hire full-time salaried workers or provide family-friendly benefits simply because they can get away with it. Meanwhile, the political landscape offers little hope for subsidized child care or mandated parental leave. These persistent pressures are pushing many women out of the workforce.
Ultimately, the narrative of choice serves to empower women who might otherwise feel cornered by the unbearable costs of child care and the lack of a paycheck. It also relieves employers from the responsibility of providing adequate benefits and politicians from enacting necessary legislation. Yet, pretending that everyone has unlimited options blinds us to the real-life struggles parents face and dulls our empathy for those who are dealing with these challenges. After all, if a single mother working at Starbucks has a child, some might think she should have made different choices.
Until we collectively acknowledge that children are a societal necessity, that someone must care for them, and that the overall well-being of the nation depends on implementing family-friendly policies, our only real choice will be between two undesirable outcomes.
Further Reading
For further insight into this topic, check out this post on the challenges of parenting. If you’re considering home insemination, Make a Mom offers excellent kits for your fertility journey. Additionally, UCSF’s Center provides valuable resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
The article discusses the harsh realities many parents face regarding child care costs and the societal pressures that frame the decision to leave the workforce as a personal choice. It highlights the systemic barriers that women encounter and the need for better family-friendly policies to support working parents.
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