It was a brisk winter morning in 1993 when I received a phone call that would change everything. On January 2, to be precise, at 8 AM, I was jolted awake by the voice of my crush. My heart raced—was he calling to confess his undying love again? Instead, he dropped the bomb: “I think we need to take a break.” Those exact words still echo in my mind. After a stunned silence while I processed this gut-wrenching news, I fumbled through the conversation and hung up. Immediately, I reached for my diary and recorded those painful words.
Then the tears flowed. I was 14, he was my first love, my first kiss, and I was head over heels. The grief consumed me; I couldn’t eat and ended up sick to my stomach. That winter was spent locked in my room, pouring my heart out to friends over the phone, scribbling furiously in my diary, and finding solace in music. Looking back, those melodies were my lifeline. Other women—yes, I felt like a woman even then—had also been struck by love’s harsh realities, and the lyrics spoke to my soul, influencing my writing (which, at the time, was more awkward than artful, but it was the start of my journey as a writer).
Musical Influences
The early ’90s were blessed with incredible female artists, but four singers stood out to me: Tori, Sarah, Sophie, and Sinéad (yes, we were on a first-name basis). Even now, hearing their voices takes me right back to that period in my life. I can almost smell the Nag Champa incense wafting through my room and recall the purple scrunchie that never left my wrist as I poured my emotions onto the pages of my diary.
First up was Tori Amos. Many of us were captivated by her album Little Earthquakes, which perfectly captured the turmoil of young love. Each track was a sharp reminder of heartache, but “Tear In Your Hand” stood out as the quintessential breakup anthem, blending anger, sarcasm, vulnerability, and desire. I still feel a jolt when she sings lines like, “I don’t believe you’re leaving / ‘Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream.”
Then there was Sarah McLachlan. Back in the early ’90s, she wasn’t yet a household name, but I stumbled upon her album Solace and was hooked. Her hauntingly beautiful voice and profound lyrics resonated deeply with me. I spent countless hours listening to that album, hugging my knees and sobbing uncontrollably.
And how could I forget Sophie B. Hawkins? Her hit “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” felt like it was written just for me. With its perfect mix of longing and innuendo, I danced to it in my room, letting the music wash over me. That powerful crescendo still hits me hard: “and I returned as chained and bound to you.”
Finally, there was Sinéad O’Connor. Her striking presence and haunting rendition of “Nothing Compares 2 U” captured the essence of heartbreak. Her raw emotion and vulnerability resonated with me in a way I couldn’t articulate. Listening to her felt like permission to grieve and express my own tangled feelings, something I desperately needed at that moment.
The Healing Power of Music
These songs truly saved me. Those teenage emotions can be overwhelming and isolating. I often felt unable to share my pain with friends or family, fearing they’d dismiss it or not understand. But through these artists, I found a voice for my sorrow and a way to express feelings I was too ashamed to admit.
Despite my heartache, I held onto hope, even as I recognized that none of those songs featured happy endings. Interestingly, my breakup didn’t last. By the following fall, he was back in my life, realizing what we had was special. After all, we were just kids navigating the chaos of love. I look back fondly on that time, knowing it helped shape my journey as a writer and as a person.
Oh, and I needed that heartache under my belt; it was a rite of passage. That boy and I are still together now—this fall marks 22 years since we reunited—and next month, we’ll celebrate our 14-year wedding anniversary. If you’d like to reflect on similar memories, check out this post on Modern Family Blog for more nostalgic tales.
To wrap up, music has an incredible power to heal, especially during those tumultuous teenage years. It creates a connection and gives us a way to express our feelings—even when we can’t find the words ourselves. And for those looking to explore parenthood options, Kindbody provides valuable resources on pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re considering at-home insemination, don’t forget to check out Cryobaby for high-quality syringe kits.
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