When discussions about adoption arise in social media, phrases like “born in my heart, not under it” and sentiments about being “chosen” and “blessed” often dominate the conversation. However, a deeper exploration unveils a tapestry of emotions, including the heartbreak faced by birth mothers who grapple with their decisions.
As a mother of three—two of whom are adopted (one biological child and the other two from China)—I’ve journeyed through the complexities of adoption. The finalization of our most recent adoption occurred over two years ago, and I now see my children simply as my kids, not as “adopted kids.” With the adjustment phase behind us, life has settled into what we might consider normal, albeit uniquely our own.
The shared adoption memes that frequently appear on my social media feed resonate deeply with me. My family is a product of adoption, and this experience has profoundly shaped my identity and perspective on life. When I reflect on the path our family has taken, I often find myself pondering, “How did I arrive at this point?” It’s a sentiment reminiscent of a Talking Heads lyric, and it serves to remind me that life in my 40s has diverged significantly from the expectations I held in my 20s—something that is true for many. My 20s were characterized by self-centeredness, and I certainly would not have anticipated the twists and turns that adoption would introduce into my life.
Adoption has led me to unexpected places and influenced every aspect of my existence. Here are four critical lessons I’ve learned along this journey:
1. Embracing New Cultures
As a Caucasian woman from South Texas, my upbringing was steeped in traditions like Thanksgiving and Tex-Mex cuisine. Welcoming Asian children into our family has expanded my cultural awareness. Although my children are American, their ethnic backgrounds carry a responsibility for me to acknowledge and celebrate their heritage in our daily lives. I endeavor to observe cultural milestones such as Lunar New Year and Moon Festival, even if I sometimes feel I could do better. Through this process, I’ve gained a broader perspective on the world and my place within it.
2. Understanding Hurt and Healing
I once perceived adoption solely as a joyous occasion, but it is layered with complexity. While postpartum depression is relatively well-known, post-adoption depression is often overlooked, leaving many feeling isolated. Additionally, my visits to China revealed countless children awaiting adoption, which was a heart-wrenching experience. Although our motivation for adopting was not to “save a child,” witnessing the plight of so many left behind has left an indelible mark on my heart.
3. Cultivating Patience and Diplomacy
I have always favored instant gratification, but adoption is a journey filled with delays and bureaucratic hurdles. It resembles a prolonged and unpredictable pregnancy. While I may not be eternally patient, I have learned to accept the waiting that comes with something beyond my control. This adjustment has improved my parenting and overall happiness. Though I still find certain comments intrusive—such as inquiries about why we didn’t adopt from our own country—I’ve learned to respond with grace and protect my children’s privacy while asserting myself when necessary.
4. Recognizing Adoption as a Valid Choice
Initially, I worried that adopting children would mean I loved them less than a biological child. Admittedly, building bonds took time and effort. I can now confidently say that my love for my adopted children is as profound as it would be for any biological offspring. The journey of adoption has been challenging, but the rewards have been worth the struggle.
Ultimately, the experience of adoption has reshaped my life in ways I could never have anticipated. It has made me realize that there is always more to learn and experience, regardless of age. Life is an ongoing adventure, and adoption has added a beautiful, albeit chaotic, dimension to my family.
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Summary
Adoption has imparted valuable lessons about culture, emotional complexity, patience, and the legitimacy of alternative family formations. It has transformed my understanding of love and family dynamics, leading to a richer, more nuanced life experience.