Updated: Feb. 23, 2018
Originally Published: Oct. 22, 2015
A few months after welcoming our first child, I found myself questioning my marriage. Thoughts like, “Did I make a mistake?” echoed in my mind. It seemed that everything my husband, Mark, did could be divided into two categories: irritating or extremely irritating. To put it bluntly, I was filled with resentment toward him.
When Mark parked our oversized minivan awkwardly, making it nearly impossible to exit with the baby in tow, I felt frustration rising. After a brief break from the exhausting cycle of breastfeeding, he’d hand me the baby and say, “I think she’s hungry again,” which made my annoyance escalate. “Then feed her yourself!” I wanted to scream. And when he peacefully snored through the night, completely oblivious to the cries and feedings, my feelings turned into outright hatred—there were moments I imagined doing something drastic, like pinching his nose shut while he slept. I know some of my frustrations were irrational, but, in those moments, I could have argued my case with fervor.
He, too, was clearly irritated with me. Any attempt to lighten the mood with humor was often misconstrued as an attack. The jokes that once brought us laughter now seemed to provoke a defensive reaction. Everything felt scrutinized. What had gone wrong?
He couldn’t grasp my reality; he returned to his normal work life while I was at home, navigating the challenges of caring for a newborn. The simple pleasure of taking a shower transformed into a cherished retreat, a brief escape from my responsibilities. So when Mark would interrupt my precious alone time to ask if he could use the bathroom, it sent me into a rage. I wondered how I had ever chosen him.
People had plenty to say about new parenthood: the exhaustion, hair loss, and so on. Yet, no one ever mentioned the possibility of harboring resentment toward my spouse. No one warned me that I might fantasize about doing something extreme to him. So, let me relay this message: You might feel resentment toward your partner. It could happen regardless of how strong your relationship was before your baby arrived; this is about the transformation that occurs after.
All the warnings I received were true. I was so fatigued that I sometimes forgot if I had even showered, or perhaps I simply didn’t care. My self-esteem began to plummet as I rarely left the house, and when I did, it was for trivial errands. The first time I ventured outside, I felt exposed and out of place. Without the company of friends, I lacked validation, and while Mark offered compliments, they didn’t hold the same weight as those from other women. My hormones were in turmoil, and I found my emotional focus shifting entirely from him to our child. I was a ticking time bomb waiting for the right moment to explode.
With both of us utterly exhausted, my self-image in decline, and my emotions running rampant, I directed all my frustration toward Mark. He became my sole outlet; with no one else around to share my feelings, it was inevitable that my anger would be directed at him.
Then, one day, the tempest subsided. I realized my doubts about our marriage had lingered for weeks, but suddenly, they vanished. The urge to lash out at Mark dissipated. It became clear to me that it wasn’t about him or our relationship; it was about the evolution of our partnership into one that included a new life. We were in the midst of redefining ourselves both as individuals and as a couple, and that process inevitably brought chaos and turmoil.
The violent thoughts I experienced weren’t reflective of our marriage. They were a natural part of the transition from being a couple to becoming a family. This necessary remodeling of our relationship was messy, requiring patience and understanding.
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In summary, feelings of resentment in a marriage after having a child can be common and are often rooted in the dramatic changes that accompany parenthood. Understanding this can help couples navigate their evolving relationship and maintain a strong bond.