In my neighborhood, there resides an unusual man. While he appears neat and engages amicably with those who pass by, there’s an unsettling undercurrent to his demeanor. He frequently compliments my 5-year-old son on his attire, which currently features a Batman shirt. Although this interaction initially seems harmless, a recent encounter raised my concerns. Crouching down to my son’s level, he demanded, “You’re a big help to your mom, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye.”
My son, feeling the pressure, avoided eye contact, instinctively staring at the ground as children often do when confronted. The man insisted again on eye contact, and I intervened, gently asserting, “He doesn’t have to look you in the eye.” This surprised him, but he then stated, “Well, you’re a big help to your mom.”
While this man might view my response as an example of an overly indulgent mother failing to instill respect, I perceive it as a manifestation of a troubling dynamic where some men assert dominance over boys.
As parents, we become acutely aware of the gender conditioning pervasive in our culture—an awareness that becomes strikingly clear when observing children. For instance, I recently witnessed a mother admonishing her daughter multiple times for revealing her frilly underwear, raising the question of why the child was dressed in such a manner initially. The gender conditioning of boys may be subtler, perhaps because societal norms often define boys’ behaviors as the standard, while girls are encouraged to adopt more “feminine” traits.
Many parents, myself included, worry about our sons lacking assertiveness or the ability to advocate for themselves. This concern seems to be more pronounced regarding boys than girls. Certainly, both genders should learn to stand up for themselves; however, girls seem to be socialized more effectively to nurture relationships and consider others’ feelings. A study in Pacific Standard highlights that men are often the loneliest demographic as they typically don’t acquire the same social skills women develop to cultivate friendships.
I ponder whether our societal pressure for boys to remain tough, refrain from crying, and assert themselves impacts their ability to form and maintain meaningful connections. The insistence from my neighbor for my son to demonstrate deference led me to reflect on whether our approach to socializing boys is more about hierarchy and dominance rather than empathy and support.
Girls unmistakably receive the message to prioritize others’ needs over their own, to smooth conflicts, and to maintain harmony. While this conditioning can be detrimental, it is equally crucial for boys to learn empathy, to consider the perspectives of others, and to choose peace over confrontation. I aspire for my son to be inclusive toward classmates who may be shy or feel isolated in a large kindergarten setting, inviting them to join in games without the expectation of direct eye contact.
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In summary, as we navigate the complexities of teaching boys about masculinity, it is essential to strike a balance between encouraging strength and promoting empathy. By fostering inclusive behaviors, we can help shape a generation of boys who value connection and understanding.