By: Sarah Johnson
Updated: Feb. 6, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 28, 2015
When a friend recently asked me about the typical monthly OB appointments during her first pregnancy (so innocent and blissfully unaware!), I couldn’t help but chuckle. These visits can be surprisingly mundane. Here’s a detailed rundown to prepare any first-time visitor for what to expect:
- Upon arrival, you’ll check in, answering the same 27 questions about your insurance and address that hasn’t changed in over a decade.
- You’ll find yourself seated in a chair that’s about as inviting as a wooden church pew with tacks. Comfort is elusive, so settle in for a while!
- Try your best to avoid eye contact with the other patients, particularly that one overly chatty grandma who insists on striking up awkward conversations about the weather.
- Pretend to be absorbed in a four-year-old issue of Golf Digest (for the rare male visitor) or a May 2014 edition of Good Housekeeping.
- Pass the time by playing “Who’s Pregnant?” with the waiting-room crowd. That woman in the corner is a mystery.
- Feel grateful you’re not the mom trying to manage her four little ones while waiting.
- Eavesdrop on the lady who takes a very public phone call on speaker mode, ignoring the sign that clearly states, “No cellphones allowed.”
- Observe that adorable couple at their first prenatal appointment. Hey, partner, enjoy the ride as your significant other navigates the joys of the speculum. (If this is you, consider letting your partner skip future visits unless it’s a major ultrasound.)
- Realize you should have packed a snack; your stomach is grumbling.
- Briefly contemplate tackling the woman munching on a Luna Bar for a bite. But then again, it’s the coconut flavor—never mind!
- Play with your phone against the “No cell phones” rule. Boredom has taken over, and you’ve seen several patients leave with none returning.
- Listen to the new arrival loudly complain about the wait. Just wait until you’ve skimmed through Golf Digest!
- Finally, your name is called! Why are you excited about getting your lady parts examined with a tube coated in a liter of lubricant?
- Step on the scale and hold back the tears.
- Watch the nurse shake her head disapprovingly at your blood pressure.
- Attempt to pee into a cup so tiny that even a sniper would struggle. Hope you managed to produce enough, even while anticipating the doctor’s lecture about hydration, despite feeling like you’re drowning.
- Provide your estimated due date and the date of your last menstrual cycle for the fifth time that day.
- Pull up your shirt and lower your pants just enough for the nurse to search for fetal heart tones with a Doppler. Experience a mini-panic attack until she finds it. Good luck getting that sticky gel off!
- Cross your fingers that this appointment won’t require an examination.
- Oh, great…
- Disrobe in an exam room that’s either freezing cold or uncomfortably hot.
- Balance on a piece of crinkly sanitary paper atop a hard metal exam table, wishing you could escape. But you’re committed—just read the birth control posters on the wall.
- Wait.
- Wait some more.
- Wait until the urge to scream from frustration overwhelms you.
- Finally, a knock on the door! It’s showtime!
- There’s an intern with the doctor—great, he’s younger and kind of cute. Just what you needed. sigh
- Try to focus on the not-so-soothing mountain stream poster on the ceiling while the doctor performs the exam. Fingers crossed you won’t spot from irritation.
- Questions, questions—what were your questions for the doctor again? Note to self: write them down next time. You feel a bit negligent.
- You may need to provide a blood sample. Don’t worry; it’s just a gallon of blood!
- Schedule your next appointment with the receptionist, who offers you only one time slot available for the foreseeable future.
- Leave feeling like you need both a shower and an iron supplement. Oh, and more water.
- Stop by Burger King for onion rings—hopefully, they count as a serving of vegetables.
- Make a mental note to bring a book and a snack next time. (You’ll probably forget.)
- Repeat this whole cycle in a month or sooner.
Exciting, isn’t it? Some visits may involve additional tests like diabetes screenings, which can be nerve-wracking while you wait for results. You might even get an ultrasound, although unless it’s a special appointment like the anatomy scan, don’t count on it. I know you can’t wait for the next appointment! But remember, you’re on an incredible journey to motherhood, and that’s truly amazing!
For more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this other blog post. If you’re seeking resources about fertility, visit the CDC for a wealth of information about infertility.
Summary:
This guide provides expectant mothers with a humorous yet realistic overview of what to expect during their routine OB appointments. From the waiting room experience to the examination itself, it highlights common scenarios and feelings many women encounter, ensuring they are prepared for each visit.