Scene: Our Dining Room
Child: “How do you know someone is the right person to marry?”
Another Child: “When you meet the right person, a spark ignites. You need to nurture that spark until it becomes a flame and eventually a bonfire throughout your marriage. The size of the wick matters too; a small wick means the spark could extinguish. Dad’s wick is quite substantial, which keeps Mom joyful.”
Isn’t he only ten?
All jokes about wicks aside (and there are plenty), this conversation followed a family dinner where we shared how my partner, Jake, proposed to me. Our kids were captivated by the story of how he chose my ring, planned the engagement, and how I said “yes.”
It struck me that our children perceive “us” through a completely different lens than I do. Their understanding is limited to the present: the mother they frequently see driving them around and the father who organizes their activities. They have no concept of our lives “B.K.” (Before Kids). The fact that my son recently asked if a Beach Boys song was something I enjoyed in college highlights their lack of knowledge about me (no offense to my fellow Beach Boys fans).
There’s so much they don’t know about the B.K. “us.”
They aren’t aware that during our first date in 1995, while standing by the ocean, I felt an undeniable spark. As I gazed into Jake’s deep blue eyes, I realized that my tumultuous past had finally led me to the person I would share my life with. They have no idea that Jake took me out on my 21st birthday to celebrate “properly” since my friends were—let’s just say—indisposed. The idea that he would often gently encourage me to leave the bar to head home would astonish them (let’s keep that between us, alright?). And we definitely won’t discuss the housewarming party I hosted in our first apartment.
They weren’t present when I walked down the aisle, and Jake, filled with emotion, could only whisper, “You’re stunning.” They would likely be entertained to learn that we both burst into laughter during the “for richer or poorer” portion of our vows because we had a mere $23 in our savings account on our wedding day (true story; we were very grateful for our wedding gifts).
They have no idea of the countless hours we spent sanding, painting, and renovating our first home, which we bought with the savings from our wedding. My children don’t realize that I can expertly use a pneumatic nail gun or that my spackling abilities are impressive.
Finally, they missed the shock and joy we felt when that little stick revealed two pink lines, marking the beginning of the end of just being “us.” Over time, that “us” transformed into a “we”—a busy, chaotic, all-consuming “we.”
There are many aspects of our lives B.K. that they will never fully comprehend. We visited Disney World three times before they arrived, drove a two-door car without a single French fry on the floor, and our friends regularly called us by our first names. These are just a few of the many small details that distinguish the people we were back then from who we are now.
In today’s parenting landscape, our children often define us. As couples and individuals, we are shaped by our children’s activities, achievements, and experiences. It’s easy to forget who we were B.K. and the fun adventures we had, like dancing on a bar or embarking on spontaneous road trips with friends. We were here first.
While I don’t feel the need for my children to know every single story from my past (thank goodness, they cannot know them all), I do strive to share snippets of that time with them. This helps them understand who I am and how I evolved into the dedicated parent I am today.
Amid the frenetic pace of child-rearing, when every day feels like a repeat of the last, looking into those same blue eyes across our dining table reminds me of who I was and still am at heart. If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, you can read about it here: Intracervical Insemination. For those seeking guidance on boosting fertility, check out Make a Mom. Additionally, IVF Babble is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, reflecting on the lives we led before children can provide valuable insight into our identities and help us maintain a connection with our past selves as we navigate the challenges of parenting.