As a hopeful adoptive mother, I was confident that I would deeply connect with the child I would welcome into my life. With that belief, I embarked on the journey of domestic adoption, blissfully unaware that the experience would be distinctly different from that of a biological mother. Now, six years into this incredible journey, I realize I was mistaken—not in the depth of my love for my child, who is truly my heart, but in underestimating the significant role that adoption would play in both my child’s life and my parenting approach.
From the moment I began navigating my daughter’s adoption story, I understood that integrating adoption into our lives would be one of my most important responsibilities. Here are some key lessons I have learned along the way:
- Discuss Adoption Openly and Early: Start conversations about adoption as early as possible—even from newborn stages. It’s vital to include discussions about her birth family naturally in our daily talks. This openness is essential in fostering a comfortable environment regarding her adoption story.
- Advocate for Adoption: Throughout our journey, I’ve encountered many misconceptions about adoptees and their birth families. As an advocate for my child, I strive to correct these misunderstandings, ensuring that she understands her birth mother’s love. One day, I hope she can assert, “My birth mom didn’t give me away; she loves me very much.”
- Reframe the Concept of “Real”: One of the common misconceptions I encounter is the question, “Where is her real mom?” It’s important to remember that many people, including children, may not mean to offend; they simply lack knowledge. When my daughter expressed, “You’re not my real mom,” I responded, “I absolutely am! I care for you every day, and Kim is real too—she gave birth to you. You have two real moms, and that’s something special!”
- Connect with Other Adoptive Families: Building relationships with other adoptive families is both empowering and affirming. It normalizes our experiences and allows my daughter to see diverse family dynamics. I also highlight various family structures—like single-parent households or families with same-sex parents—showing her that love and family come in many forms.
- Foster Relationships with Birth Families: Since we share a daughter, her birth family is part of my family too. I prioritize maintaining this connection by speaking positively about them, displaying their photos alongside ours, and staying engaged through social media and visits.
After six years as an adoptive mother, I am beginning to understand the unique aspects of this journey. I anticipate that as my daughter grows, I will continue to learn and adapt.
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