Approximately six months after I weaned my first child, I experienced an intense panic attack—on an airplane, while my son slept soundly in my embrace. I vividly recall glancing at my partner, my eyes wide with fear, as my heart raced and sweat dripped down my forehead, soaking the fabric of my shirt. My partner, unsure of how to help, gently took our baby from my arms as I spiraled into panic. All I wanted was to breathe; nothing else mattered. My hands trembled, and nausea surged through me. I can’t even recall how I came out of that episode, but I do remember feeling ill and disoriented for the rest of the day.
Following that harrowing panic attack, I continued to experience them sporadically—not frequently, but often enough to feel a part of myself slipping away. I became emotional and lethargic, plagued by a sense of impending unraveling. I struggled to identify who I was, both as a person and as a new mother.
Seeking help, I visited a therapist who diagnosed me with an adjustment disorder, likely exacerbated by a hormonal imbalance from abruptly stopping breastfeeding. During several sessions, I shed tears and engaged in conversations, eventually creating “The Plan,” which my therapist fully endorsed.
The Plan entailed taking a break from motherhood. It felt strange to acknowledge that I needed such a respite with my son only 15 months old. I fought against the guilt, but The Plan involved leaving my husband and our home in Colorado—where he was diligently launching his own business—for 15 weeks. I would move in with my parents in California, working full-time to cover a maternity leave at a physical therapy clinic where I had spent four years, allowing my mother to care for my son during the day.
And that’s precisely what I did. I took those 15 weeks for myself. Slowly, I began rediscovering who I was—not just through the familiar work with old friends, but also through the nurturing I received from my own mother. Each evening, I returned to a home-cooked meal, neatly folded laundry, and the joyful cuddles of my delighted baby.
The panic attacks ceased as suddenly as they had begun. More importantly, I witnessed my mother care for my child with a naturalness I had lost since that breathless moment on the airplane. Each night, I eagerly anticipated hearing about their daily adventures: “He walked all the way to the beach today!” or “He played hide and seek at the mall and startled me!”
When the 15 weeks concluded, separating my mother from my son was profoundly painful. She made it clear that he had become her baby, and I was fortunate to be allowed to take him home.
To this day, my mother and son share a unique bond forged during those long, sunlit days filled with sandcastles and laughter, which allowed me the space to grow into my role as his mother.
For more insights into the challenges of motherhood and nurturing, check out our other blog posts on home insemination kit. If you’re exploring options for starting a family, visit Make A Mom, a trusted resource on this subject. For additional support, Progyny offers excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This article narrates a mother’s journey through panic attacks and the need for self-care after the stress of early motherhood. By taking a break and living with her parents, she was able to rediscover herself and witness her mother nurturing her child, ultimately strengthening their family bond.