Our daughter, Mia, was welcomed into our family through a straightforward adoption from the foster care system just eleven months ago at the age of nine. Our initial meeting took place in the administrative office of the group home where she had resided for the preceding six months. I had already developed a profound affection for her long before our eyes met in person. The process of bringing her home had consumed six challenging months filled with extensive paperwork, home study updates, background checks, and navigating the bureaucratic challenges across two states and various agencies. Although we were officially chosen as her adoptive parents in November, it wasn’t until May that we finally met her. The anxiety I felt was so intense that I unknowingly ground down two of my teeth while sleeping. In my heart, she was already my daughter, my little girl, even before she knew we existed.
Mia’s early years were marked by abuse, neglect, poverty, and abandonment. Following this traumatic beginning, she spent five years moving through the foster care system. At the time we were chosen to be her parents, she was in a psychiatric hospital, where she had spent both her ninth birthday and Thanksgiving. Mia arrived with diagnoses of ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), anxiety, and depression. We understood that the journey ahead would be challenging, but we also believed in her potential to heal.
In the early days, even simple questions, like whether she preferred a turkey or ham sandwich, caused her significant stress, as they forced her to confront her own feelings—a process she resisted fiercely. Discussing her past was off-limits; she would only express happiness or anger, the latter often erupting into intense meltdowns. We sought therapy from two different mental health agencies, but neither seemed equipped to address issues of trauma and attachment. One therapist inadvertently exacerbated her struggles, while the other suggested we halt sessions when Mia remained silent after five months of weekly visits.
Determined to support her, I immersed myself in therapeutic parenting and attachment disorders. I connected with an online community of mothers facing similar challenges, known as “Trauma Mamas.” I began to articulate her feelings for her and explained that many other kids also had “hurt parts” stemming from their pasts. Phrases like “Stop, take a deep breath, and relax” and “You’re safe, you’re loved, you can handle this” became part of our daily routine. My husband and I reassured her that we were always available to listen, but we could not force her to share her memories or emotions. Gradually, she began to open up, revealing glimpses of her thoughts. One day in the car, she asked, “How long do you think my kids will get to live with me?” At just nine years old, she was already fearful of becoming a bad mother and losing her children, convinced that history would repeat itself.
As Mia started to confront her past, her behavioral challenges intensified. She began to express her buried pain through outbursts, screaming, and defiance. However, she increasingly identified the underlying emotions driving her actions, moving beyond simple accusations of “You were mean to me!” or “You made me mad!”
This past Easter marked another significant milestone in our journey together, as it was the last holiday before we officially celebrated our one-year anniversary as a family. Unfortunately, it also brought three days filled with extreme meltdowns and defiance, including troubling incidents such as self-harm with a pencil and wandering barefoot around the neighborhood despite being told to stay in the yard. Mia shared that she had been moved right before several holidays in the past, fostering a fear that we would “get rid” of her like everyone else. She believed her misbehavior warranted such abandonment, thinking she didn’t deserve love or a family. After enduring our steadfast presence through holidays like the Fourth of July and Christmas, her anxiety peaked at Easter, leading her to exhibit her most challenging behaviors.
On Easter morning, Mia awoke to find herself still at home with us. In that moment, she recognized that our love for her remained unchanged, regardless of her actions; we forgave her and continued to provide for her needs. Breakfast was ready, clean clothes awaited, and the Easter Bunny had even left her gifts! Throughout the day, she expressed her affection with hugs and love notes, proudly noting that she had not had a single tantrum.
Over the past year, I have witnessed the rapid growth and transformation of a child who has endured so much. I feel immensely privileged to be her mother and to have earned her trust and love. My husband and I strive to create a safe environment for Mia, guiding her through the complex emotions and memories she is beginning to process. The journey toward her healing is undoubtedly difficult, exhausting, and sometimes overwhelming, but witnessing her progress is remarkable. I am confident that she will emerge healthy, happy, strong, and healed.
And I will, too.
For additional insights on family dynamics and parenting, consider exploring our other posts, such as this one on terms and conditions. If you are interested in learning more about home insemination, Cryobaby provides invaluable resources. Furthermore, for those looking for comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, Healthline is an excellent reference.
Summary
This article details the emotional journey of adopting an older child, illustrating the challenges and triumphs faced by both the child and the adoptive parents. It highlights the importance of patience, understanding, and therapeutic approaches in helping a child process trauma and build trust in a new family environment. The narrative emphasizes the complexities of attachment and the gradual healing that can occur through love and support.