Recently, I took my 14-year-old daughter, Emily, to the picturesque North Shore of Oahu for a week-long getaway. For many parents, the idea of spending days in a condo with a teenage girl can be daunting; however, we find Emily to be a delightful young woman. She typically remains calm, respectful to her parents, teachers, and peers, and her eye-rolling is minimal.
Having enjoyed a rejuvenating week on the Big Island prior to this trip, my husband and I were eager to showcase the beauty and culture of the North Shore to Emily. We’re familiar with the area’s laid-back atmosphere, which we hoped would help her unwind. Yet, despite our enthusiasm, she appeared apprehensive, expressing feelings of being “out of place” and worrying excessively about sun exposure—an issue I took responsibility for. It seemed she was unable to engage fully with her surroundings, a troubling contrast to my own adolescent experiences, which were marked by a natural ability to enjoy leisure.
Emily seemed preoccupied, not by the stunning beach scenery, but by a mental checklist of worries related to the upcoming school year, high school applications, and standardized tests. I encouraged her to put these concerns aside temporarily, assuring her they would still be there upon our return. Unfortunately, she remained unconvinced.
During a stroll along the beach in Haleiwa, where magnificent Hawaiian sea turtles bask in the sun, she glanced at them but quickly turned back toward the condo. The following day, at Sunset Beach, she fixated on the waves, claiming they were too large (they were not) and complained about the heat of the sand. She expressed frustration over not receiving assistance with her boogie board. We chose to persist, hoping our enjoyment of the beach would inspire her to join in.
The turning point came at Waimea Bay. In winter, this location is known for its enormous waves and surfers, but during summer, it becomes a haven for snorkeling and swimming without the fear of rocky hazards. Often, playful pods of dolphins can be seen swimming nearby. A major attraction here is the towering black lava rock, which reaches about 30 feet. Each day, visitors scramble up to leap off, often hesitating at the top, caught in a moment of anxiety. I can attest to the thrill and trepidation of jumping from that height, having done so twice myself.
Initially dismissing the idea of jumping off the rock as “not her thing,” Emily found herself captivated by the scene, observing others, including younger kids, leap fearlessly. Eventually, she announced to her father, “I’m going to jump off that rock.” She climbed up, closely behind a larger individual, and then summited the peak.
With determination, she jumped. Upon landing, she humorously described the experience as akin to “falling onto a bidet at full blast.” Thankfully, she emerged unscathed, and her mood visibly lifted. This moment served as a reminder of the importance of spontaneity and joy.
Throughout our vacation, I hoped that by witnessing her parents engage in leisurely activities—snorkeling, swimming, and adoring the turtles—Emily would gradually rediscover her capacity for relaxation. For much of the trip, she seemed more like a stressed executive than an exuberant teenager, which concerned me. In life, not every challenge will present itself as a rock to leap from, and perhaps the greatest lesson I can impart is the necessity of embracing play.
As we navigate parenting, it’s essential to foster not only academic and social growth but also the ability to enjoy carefree moments. This journey may require patience and creativity, but it is undoubtedly worthwhile.
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Summary:
Teaching a 14-year-old to embrace playfulness can be challenging, especially when she is preoccupied with worries about the future. Encouraging her to engage with experiences, such as jumping from a rock at Waimea Bay, can serve as a vital lesson in spontaneity and relaxation. Through shared moments of joy, parents can foster a sense of play in their teens.