The journey to discovering your existence began on your older brother Lucas’s 7th birthday. Your father and I had been eagerly anticipating this moment, and when we learned about you, our hearts swelled with joy. You were the final piece we had been longing for, completing our family of five. The day we saw you on the ultrasound, your tiny heart beating vigorously, was incredibly special. Witnessing your well-being filled me with reassurance and excitement for the moment I would finally hold you.
One of the most memorable days was when we shared the news of your arrival with your older siblings. Lucas and Mia erupted with joy, jumping and shouting in delight. Mia even shed tears of happiness. While Sophie was thrilled, she was a bit confused about the whole situation. From that day forward, Mia expressed her gratitude to God and us every single day for the blessing of you. They would often kiss my belly and talk to you, creating a bond that was truly heartwarming. The love your siblings had for you eased any anxiety your father and I felt about expanding our family.
Listening to your heartbeat with the Doppler each evening became a cherished family ritual. We would gather together, filled with hopes and dreams for your future. Our love for you was immeasurable, despite never having met you yet. However, the night we couldn’t find your heartbeat was terrifying; I spent the entire night praying for your safety.
The following day, when I saw your little body on the ultrasound screen but learned there was no heartbeat, my heart shattered. It was the most devastating day of my life, my sweet Emily. In that moment, I knew I would never hold you, kiss your soft head, or experience the everyday joys of motherhood with you. I wouldn’t witness your siblings play with you, or watch you grow up and reach milestones. The realization that none of those moments would come to pass for you, the little soul I had already grown to love, was unbearable. Your father and I were heartbroken, and having to share this sorrow with your siblings was equally difficult. They too felt the weight of this loss, and your father comforted them with the assurance that you would always be with us as our angel in Heaven.
Mother’s Day, just two days after our devastating news, held a bittersweet significance for me. It marked the final day I would carry you within me. Although I never got to meet you, you will forever be my precious Emily. My love for you is as profound as for your siblings here on Earth. I cherish the family photos we took on that day; they are the most tangible memories I have of you. One particular photo is close to my heart, as it’s now part of a necklace with your name.
The days that followed were a blur of grief. Losing you was a crushing blow, but your service provided a meaningful way to honor the brief time you were with us. I hope you enjoyed the letters and pictures your siblings sent to Heaven, along with the special rose they placed on your grave.
They miss you dearly and speak of you nearly every day. Mia reassures Sophie during storms that you are washing your hands in Heaven. They pray that God is looking after you and that one day they will meet you. Your absence has taught me so much about love and loss.
The weeks that followed were filled with darkness and sadness. I longed to have you back, to hold you, and to experience the joy of motherhood with you. Initially, it was hard to find any silver lining in our family’s loss. I struggled to care for your siblings and navigate daily life. Many people avoid discussing the loss of a child, but I want you to know that I speak about you often. I want the world to know that you are part of our family.
Over time, I began to see the good that emerged from this tragedy. The community that rallied around us during this time was remarkable. Your grandmother stepped in to help without complaint, and friends like Laura and Sarah were there for me every day since we lost you. The care shown by my doctor and the hospital staff during that heartbreaking day was also invaluable.
Countless individuals reached out with calls, texts, and heartfelt gestures. One friend sent a basket of sunshine the day after we learned of your loss, while another gifted me a beautiful necklace. Many of those messages came from mothers who have also experienced the loss of a child. This outpouring of support reminded me that your life mattered, even if it was brief.
Though my life has been irrevocably changed by your early departure, I am grateful for the lessons learned. I appreciate the time I had to carry you and share in the joy of your siblings’ excitement. Losing you brought your father and me closer, revealing the strength of our family bond. I have witnessed the resilience of your siblings and the love they continue to hold for you, their little sister whom they never met.
Your absence has taught me to cherish the small moments in life and to let go of what is unimportant. It has shown me that it’s okay to grieve and to lean on others for support. My faith has deepened, reminding me to trust in a higher power even when I don’t understand the reasons behind our pain. The bond between a mother and her children is profound, and these are truths I will carry with me forever. I will always think of you, Emily, and I look forward to the day when I can hold you in my arms once more.
With all my love,
Mom
Resources for Home Insemination
For more information on home insemination, you might find this resource helpful: Intracervical Insemination. Additionally, for those interested in the process of artificial insemination, Make a Mom provides valuable insights, and Cleveland Clinic is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
In Summary
The journey of loss and love can be both heartbreaking and transformative. The experience of losing a child can reveal the strength of familial bonds and the support of community, allowing for growth and healing amidst grief.