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You May Not Recall, But I Will by Sarah Greene
Updated: Aug. 17, 2023
Originally Published: Aug. 17, 2021
“They won’t remember life before their sibling,” is a common reassurance I receive when I begin to feel the weight of guilt over transitioning from our life as just the two of us. “To them, it will always be this way.” I realize they speak the truth, and their words provide solace during those quiet moments when guilt washes over me like a tide. Yet, the reality that you won’t remember our time together before your sibling—a time that I hold dear—is often more challenging to reconcile than the notion that this chapter is drawing to a close.
It’s true: You won’t remember.
You won’t recall the early days when we navigated the journey of being a duo: that first day when your father’s car vanished around the corner, leaving me sobbing as I held you, so small and new, wondering how I would manage taking care of you alone for nine long hours. You won’t remember how, over time, we found our rhythm, creating a life and routine uniquely ours, filled with strolls in the stroller, picnics at the park, trips to the aquarium, and playdates with new friends. You won’t recall the lazy days spent at home, eating pancakes for breakfast, and lounging on the couch in our pajamas, lost in episodes of our favorite shows.
You won’t remember how adored you were—our firstborn, the first grandchild for your grandparents, the first to smile, crawl, and walk, while we cheered for you and captured countless photos of your bright, gummy smile. You won’t remember that all the clothes, books, and toys were exclusively yours for 17 months, a time when sharing was not yet part of your world.
You won’t remember that you were the one who transformed me into a mother, who provided me with the most rewarding and life-affirming role imaginable. You altered my entire existence the moment you arrived, red-faced and wrinkly, breathing in your first breaths. The instant the nurse placed you on my chest, I felt a love so profound it defied comprehension.
Fortunately, you also won’t remember the steep learning curve of new motherhood and the many blunders I made. Like the day I forgot to pack an extra outfit and you had to ride home in just a diaper, with snow still covering the ground outside. Or the time I overlooked your special swim class with your father on the very last day you were an only child. There were countless moments when I fell short—losing my patience, allowing too much screen time, or prioritizing the wrong things over our precious time together. Thankfully, your lack of early memory will erase these small missteps.
Indeed, you won’t remember these past 18 months, and perhaps that is for the best. You will grow up unaware of life before your sibling, that younger child who follows you, occasionally taking the toys you didn’t even know were solely yours. You won’t recall having your parents’ undivided attention, which will shield you from jealousy regarding your brother’s arrival. There was a method to our plan to expand our family so closely, even if guilt sometimes clouds my memory.
You won’t remember anything about life before this moment when your sibling entered our world. It’s a fresh start, a new chapter as a family of four.
But that’s where I come in: I will remember. I will hold on to every precious moment for both of us.
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Summary:
The narrative reflects on the bittersweet nature of parenting, specifically the transition from having one child to two. It emphasizes the memories and experiences that the older child will not recall, including the joys and challenges of early motherhood. Despite the guilt associated with these changes, the author resolves to cherish and remember those moments, ensuring that the essence of their early relationship is preserved.