I abstain from alcohol due to my father’s struggles with it. He had a significant drinking problem, which led to numerous legal issues, including time spent in jail for DUI offenses during my teenage years. I vividly recall him arriving at my high school graduation, intoxicated and stumbling up the auditorium stairs. I even used my earnings from working at a pizza place to bail him out of jail. His life was cut short at the age of 49, a loss that profoundly affected me. Back then, I viewed him as old, but now that I’m in my 30s, I recognize how tragically young 49 truly is. He missed seeing my children, my college graduation, and my marriage. He should still be part of my life, but he isn’t.
While I have consumed alcohol in the past, I stopped drinking after getting married. When I did drink, it felt uncomfortable, a constant reminder of my father’s struggles. My wife and I made a mutual decision not to drink as we entered parenting. We began practicing a faith that discourages alcohol shortly before our wedding, which has helped us connect with other parents who share our values. However, as a father of three and a parenting blogger, I often find myself in the minority. A coworker of mine enjoys his “papa juice” each evening—a gin he claims helps him cope with the stress of bedtime. I understand the allure; there are days when I could certainly use a drink to alleviate my parental stress.
I see the cultural references in memes and hear about mothers enjoying wine as a stress relief. In Christmas Vacation, there’s a scene where Clark asks his father how he managed the chaotic holidays, to which his father replies, “I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.” There are moments during the holidays when I find myself wishing for that same “help.” When I socialize with other parents, I’m often the only one at the table without a drink in hand. I find myself smiling genuinely while others indulge.
My choice not to drink has alienated me from some friends. I’ve had people insistently offer me drinks, as if they believe my life would improve with a drink or that it would enable us to communicate better. As a sober parent, this behavior can be both amusing and frustrating.
People frequently ask how I manage parenting without alcohol, as though my sobriety is a remarkable feat. I share my reasons—my father’s struggles, my faith, and my normal, fulfilling life without alcohol. Some parents understand, but many do not, often acting as if my reasons are insufficient. This can be unsettling. Once, a friend provocatively asked if I was a monk. I often hear that life must be dull without drinking, but I find parenting itself to be anything but boring.
I can honestly say that I haven’t missed a single moment of my children’s lives. I engage with them fully, experiencing every joy and challenge with a clear mind. I appreciate the love and affection they offer without the need for alcohol. I also save money and avoid the anxiety of worrying about my children accessing alcohol, as my father once did. I don’t have to fear that alcohol will disrupt my family the way it did my parents.
Perhaps my choice stems from my past with my father. Maybe if I could just let go and have a drink, I wouldn’t feel so burdened by it all. But I can’t. I won’t.
The unfortunate reality is that being a non-drinking parent can lead to isolation. Sometimes, it feels as though other parents view me with suspicion, hesitant to invite me over for fear of my sober presence being a downer at gatherings.
If you have a friend who is a non-drinking parent, it’s essential to understand that this is a personal choice they’ve made. They’ve chosen sobriety for reasons that should be respected. They are not strange or untrustworthy, nor do they believe themselves to be superior. They simply choose not to drink. It’s perfectly fine to invite them to social events, share a meal, and enjoy each other’s company without the need for alcohol. Acknowledging their decision is vital. Whatever their reasons, they are valid.
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In summary, choosing not to drink as a parent is a deeply personal decision, shaped by past experiences and beliefs. While it can lead to feelings of isolation, it is essential for others to respect this choice and understand that it doesn’t define a person’s ability to engage fully in life.