8 Parenting Responsibilities I Would Happily Outsource

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As I read about the growing trend of parents outsourcing their most daunting responsibilities, it got me reflecting on my own experiences. Imagine hiring a professional to tackle everything from potty training to breaking a thumb-sucking habit! If I could delegate some of my parenting chores, here’s what would top my list:

1. Mastering Shoe Tying: Don’t be misled by the “bunny ears” technique or charming songs—this skill is far more complex than it seems. Just when you think your child has grasped it, they accidentally pull too tight and everything unravels. I even bought one of those practice boards with a shoe and real laces. What was I thinking? Unless it comes with a cardboard mom with a reassuring smile, it’s not going to work. And trust me, convincing them that velcro sneakers are the next big thing is a futile effort. By 6th grade, they’ll catch on.
2. Teaching Bike Riding: No one warned me that I needed to be in peak physical shape to teach a 5-year-old to ride a bike. Despite being a runner, nothing prepared me for the challenge of supporting a 40-pound kid on a 25-pound bike while running awkwardly beside them, all while they’re screaming “I CAN’T DO IT!” in my ear. When someone mentions their latest triathlon, I just tell them about my bike-riding coaching experience and watch them fall silent.
3. Sex Education: Often, this topic gets handed off to the 5th graders on the school bus. My 4th grader recently informed me that she had received a “comprehensive” education from her friends. While I was horrified, I was secretly relieved to cross that off my list. But then I thought, “Wait, I better ensure they covered the basics correctly.” Apparently, the belly button is not as involved in sex as some 11-year-olds believe. Thanks for the misinformation, Jake from down the street!
4. Understanding Time: With digital clocks and smartphones, I wonder if learning to read an analog clock is even relevant anymore. Yet, it’s still a skill they should master—after all, there may be a time when they find themselves in the desert without cell service. The process in our house goes something like this:
   • 8-year-old: “So it’s 10:09?”
   • Me: “No, it’s 10:45; or quarter ‘til 11.”
   • 8-year-old: “I thought a quarter was 25 cents?”
   • Me: “Exactly! But here, ‘quarter’ means 15 minutes. It’s like a pie, divided four ways…”
   • 8-year-old: “Can we have pie for dinner?”
5. Queuing Up: This is especially relevant at amusement parks. Standing in line for an autograph from someone dressed as a cartoon character? You have to be kidding me! Can we get body doubles to wait in line while parents enjoy a margarita at the nearest bar?
6. Using a Steak Knife: Because, you know, they’re knives… that cut steak. What could possibly go wrong? I sometimes think it would be safer to just teach the kids to pick up the steak and eat it like a caveman. Just kidding (sort of).
7. Math Fact Review: It feels like we’ve been drilling math facts for ages, and we only have two kids! Here’s a typical exchange:
   • Me: “So, what’s 9 x 4?”
   • 9-year-old: “48?”
   • Me: “So close! It’s 36. Let’s keep going…only 56 flashcards left!”
   • Then, just when they start to get the hang of it, you realize they need to learn them in reverse order.
   • Me: “What’s 4 x 9?”
   • 9-year-old: “48?”
   • Me: “For tonight, we’ll say yes. I’m too tired to care.”
8. Swimming Lessons: Teaching my kids to swim felt like directing a chaotic aquatic dance. “Bend your arms, but keep your legs straight. Now move everything together, hold your breath, let out some air, kick! Blow bubbles! Why aren’t you listening?” Oh right, they can’t hear me because they’re underwater.

And the one duty I will definitely outsource when the time comes…

9. Driving: Thank goodness for Drivers Ed, but what about when it’s time to practice? I’m not sure I want to be a passenger while a 110-pound teen operates a 3,000-pound vehicle, especially when they casually drop phrases like “totes adorbs” and still watch Disney. I’ll be handing that task over to my partner. Just text me some photos when you’re merging onto the highway during rush hour. But not while driving, of course. Suddenly, math facts don’t seem quite so daunting after all.

Every milestone our kids reach is a significant achievement, and while I’m grateful I didn’t outsource these tasks, I wouldn’t mind outsourcing the bad backs, sore hands, and headaches that come with them. Well, maybe I’ll keep the wine habit—let’s not get too carried away. If you’re curious about more parenting insights, check out this article on Modern Family Blog.

Summary

Reflecting on the challenges of parenting, I highlighted eight responsibilities I often wish I could outsource, from teaching kids to tie their shoes to giving them swim lessons. While the journey can be overwhelming, the rewards of witnessing their growth are priceless, even if it comes with its fair share of aches and pains.