It began with the small, everyday forgetfulness—misplacing car keys, neglecting to take medications, and leaving dairy products like yogurt and milk in the pantry instead of the refrigerator. As a new parent, I was already overwhelmed, juggling the demands of motherhood while navigating my own moments of forgetfulness. Perhaps that’s why it took so long for me to acknowledge the signs. Or perhaps it was simply the hope that things would improve.
When my father received his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, I wasn’t shocked; the indicators had been present. However, the emotional impact didn’t hit me until later. My sister and I dedicated ourselves to caring for him, making daily trips to his home with one, and eventually two, babies in tow. We often had to buy groceries for him and noticed troubling changes—he would forget about food cooking in the microwave, eat excessively, and sometimes mismanage his medications.
Eventually, it became clear that he could no longer live independently, as the situation was becoming increasingly hazardous. With heavy hearts, we made the difficult decision to place him in a nursing facility. I was aware that this was the safest option, but visiting him was gut-wrenching. Each visit revealed his anger and feelings of abandonment, which he expressed through hurtful comments. I understood that it was the disease speaking, not my father, yet each remark pierced my heart. No words of comfort from well-meaning friends could ease my pain. The vibrant man I once knew was slipping away.
My father, once robust and lively, now presents as a frail shadow of his former self. On good days, his humor and wit shine through, but he no longer recognizes his grandchildren. He cannot appreciate that my son, Lucas, is a picky eater, nor can he see that my twins, Lily and Noah, resemble him. They will not experience his strong embrace or hear him play the guitar he taught himself. This disease has robbed them of the man I cherished and the grandfather they deserved.
The most terrifying aspect of this journey is the genetic link to Alzheimer’s in my family. My father’s history casts a long shadow, making me dread the possibility of facing the same fate. I find myself forgetting simple words and struggling to recall names, moments filled with anxiety and fear of what lies ahead. I know that as a mother, forgetfulness can be part of the role, but I often experience deeper, more alarming lapses that leave me feeling betrayed by my own mind.
I look at my children and cannot fathom a life where I wouldn’t recognize their faces or cherish their unique traits. These memories are my lifeline, grounding me when life feels overwhelming. I envision growing old with my partner, reminiscing about our shared experiences and embracing the joys of grandparenthood. However, I grapple with the fear of losing the ability to remember him, of becoming a burden he would never let me feel.
While it’s crucial not to live in fear of hypothetical scenarios, I am human, and witnessing my father’s decline naturally stirs anxiety about my own future. I cannot halt Alzheimer’s progression, nor is there a cure. Each visit to my father is an opportunity to memorize his features, to imprint his essence in my mind. I do the same with my children, capturing their laughter and little quirks, believing that these memories will sustain me during darker days.
Through it all, the one constant is love. My father may not articulate it, but I know he feels my affection. I strive to ensure that my husband and children understand they are my world. Should I lose the ability to express that love verbally, they will carry my memories with them, imbued with the words: “I love you more than you could ever know. You are my life, and every moment with you is a gift.”
In conclusion, while Alzheimer’s has altered my father’s life and impacted mine, the bonds of love and memory persist. For further information on home insemination, you may find valuable insights in our other blog posts, including this one. For a comprehensive guide on artificial insemination, Make A Mom offers excellent resources. Additionally, for week-by-week insights into pregnancy, consider visiting March of Dimes.