In recent times, parenting has become the central focus of my existence. I’m immersed in it daily, and it has prompted me to seek therapy. After welcoming my daughter two years ago, I found myself grappling with my upbringing and my own parents’ contrasting parenting approaches. While I am not directly comparing styles, my experience of motherhood has illuminated the dysfunction in my childhood, leading me to confront unresolved issues.
Generational differences in parenting styles are not uncommon; they can also contribute to feelings of isolation among mothers, often referred to as “mom loneliness,” along with that pervasive sense of mommy guilt. My parents had my brother and me when they were just 18 and 19. Neither of us was planned, and they were unprepared for the emotional demands of parenthood. Despite their efforts to provide for us, they were still navigating their own childhood traumas. My father faced the challenges of growing up as an immigrant with an abusive father, and my mother dealt with the struggles of poverty and an alcoholic parent.
Upon my daughter’s arrival, I began reflecting on the sacrifices my parents made. However, I realized that these sacrifices were often accompanied by resentment—toward my brother, me, and even each other. This resentment manifested in my father’s infidelities and aggression, and my mother’s passive aggression, which we often endured. They would claim to have worked tirelessly to give us a better life than they had, yet the emotional scars ran deep.
As I recognized the dysfunction of my upbringing and the neglect I endured, I became increasingly protective of my child, which led to trust issues. I distanced myself from friends and rarely took breaks because I didn’t trust babysitters. I was obsessed with trying to parent “correctly,” yet I had no clear understanding of what that meant. My guidance came from instincts and advice gleaned from the internet, other mothers, and parenting literature.
During visits to my parents with my daughter, several interactions stood out as uncomfortable yet revealing. For instance, when my father referred to my daughter as smart, he asked, “What if she isn’t smart?” This left me bewildered since I believed she was already intelligent. My father also left the room in a panic when I began breastfeeding, while my mother jokingly held my four-month-old daughter over her head, urging her to tell me to “shut up.” Such interactions highlighted the lack of respect for children in my household, contributing to the issues I later faced, which stemmed from their parenting style that emphasized obedience over understanding.
After graduating from college, I relocated to another state to pursue professional opportunities. Ironically, I found work at a nonprofit organization focused on anti-violence initiatives, where I learned about the implications of abuse on children and relationships. My own struggles with anxiety and my brother’s battle with addiction fueled my desire to help others with similar backgrounds. Through this work, I gained insights into healthy relationships and improved my self-esteem. However, once my daughter was born, spending long hours alone with her while my partner worked took a toll on my mental health, leading to feelings of anger related to my past. I began to recognize that I had been distracting myself with work to avoid addressing these issues.
I was the first among my friends to transition into parenthood, and I kept my internal struggles to myself to avoid alarming them. My daughter’s sleep schedule was erratic, which made socializing with other mothers challenging. I soon felt a profound loneliness that undermined my self-esteem, compounded by guilt over my inability to trust my own family. To address these feelings, I turned to therapy to better understand my past and rebuild my confidence.
In therapy, I learned from a fellow mother that she had not realized the importance of her female friendships until she became a parent. As I began to communicate less with my own mom and connect with new friends in similar situations, I recognized that many of us were grappling with the harsh realities of parenthood, from difficult partners to health challenges with our children, or even postpartum depression.
Most parents strive to create better lives for their children despite their circumstances. For my parents, that meant working hard to escape poverty; for my father’s parents, it involved immigrating to avoid famine and war; and for my mother’s mother, it meant leaving an abusive marriage to ensure her family’s safety. I do not resent my parents for their parenting style, but I understand that I need to heal and build my confidence to offer my child a different experience. I want her to feel loved, respected, and secure, so that she can navigate her own struggles with compassion and support, even if they stem from my parenting decisions.
In conclusion, parenting is an overwhelming love that inevitably comes with mistakes. However, my goal is to ensure that my child knows she is cherished and respected, fostering her ability to connect with the world and seek support when needed.
For further insights into pregnancy and home insemination, consider visiting this excellent resource. Additionally, if you’re exploring options for self-insemination, this site is a trusted authority on the topic, and you can find more information about home insemination here.