Parenting can be a challenging journey, particularly during the tumultuous tween and teen years. Recently, my twelve-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Maddie, exhibited her frustration by rolling her eyes and retreating upstairs with an emphatic stomp. Although she didn’t quite slam her bedroom door, her exit was undeniably forceful.
Her discontent stemmed from her use of a social media platform that we had explicitly prohibited. The website’s Terms of Service clearly state that users must be at least 13 years old, a guideline rooted in the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. We had established that this rule was to be strictly adhered to in our household. In response, Maddie argued, “You said I couldn’t have an account. I don’t have an account. You never said I couldn’t use it without one.” Her eye roll and hasty departure were her way of reacting to my insistence that I had indeed communicated our stance on the app.
Later that night, as my partner and I reflected on the evening’s events, I found myself questioning my parenting choices. Was I being overly restrictive? Was I a helicopter parent? I realized that I had momentarily lost sight of my parenting purpose.
I recalled a motivational principle often cited by renowned football coach Lou Holtz: Know your mandate. This notion provided me clarity and reassurance about my parenting decisions. My actions that evening aligned with what I perceive as my role as a parent. Here’s what I believe my responsibilities encompass:
- Ensuring my child’s safety.
- Promoting my child’s well-being.
- Exhibiting love and support.
- Facilitating my child’s education.
- Instilling respect and responsibility, which includes adherence to both laws and household rules.
While I acknowledge that no parent can perpetually safeguard their child, I can teach them how to navigate the world safely. Upholding my mandates requires significant time and effort, which is often in short supply. Equally important is recognizing the limits of my responsibilities.
Here’s what I do not consider part of my mandate:
- I am not my child’s friend.
- It is not my role to fulfill every desire.
- My decisions need not echo those of other parents.
- I am not my child’s sole source of entertainment.
- I am not accountable for my child’s happiness.
The last point can be particularly challenging for tweens like Maddie, who often misconstrue parental boundaries as a lack of care. While no parent enjoys seeing their child upset, it’s essential to remember that each individual is responsible for their own happiness.
Tweens and teens are capable of making their own choices, though they may not always do so wisely. Part of my role is to allow them to encounter the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is difficult for both of us.
Understanding my purpose as a parent empowers me to uphold my beliefs, even when they may seem unpopular. I recognize that my guidelines surrounding social media usage differ from those of other parents. However, these rules align with my mandate, reinforcing my resolve to do what is best for my child.
Lou Holtz may not have intended to provide parenting advice, but his wisdom is applicable in various contexts, including parenting. Defining your purpose and goals makes it easier to maintain your approach. While parenting teens and tweens is not an easy task, I find comfort in having a clear mandate.
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In summary, understanding your parenting mandate helps to clarify your decisions and provides confidence in your approach, making it easier to navigate the complexities of raising adolescents.