I welcomed my youngest child when I was 26. As parents of both a son and a daughter, my husband and I decided that our family was complete. By “we,” I mean my husband was firm in his decision. He grew up with one sibling and had always envisioned having two children. In contrast, I was a middle child who dreamt of being a mother to three. However, as we were in our mid-20s, we felt a strong desire to travel and explore the world—adventures that would be challenging to pursue with young children. By the time our daughter would start high school, we would both be 42 years old. Reluctantly, I agreed. Turning 30 soon made me question the idea of having another child at what seemed like an older age.
Then I turned 30. Suddenly, my biological clock seemed to kick into high gear. With my youngest now in preschool, I found myself missing the presence of a baby in our home. Everywhere I looked, friends in their 30s were announcing pregnancies. They seemed unbothered by the notion of advanced maternal age or the prospect of being 50 when their children graduated high school.
I started to gently introduce the idea of “one more baby” to my husband. “We’re still young!” I would exclaim. “Just look at how adorable they are!” When that didn’t persuade him, I resorted to pleading. “I need this! My heart feels incomplete,” and my go-to, “I never got to take maternity photos!” Eventually, he relented—perhaps I simply wore him down—and we agreed to try for another child. However, he set a condition: I had to conceive within the year. If it didn’t happen in the next 12 months, we would stop trying. It was settled.
Having taken a few months to conceive our first two children, I knew I needed to take proactive steps. I purchased ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests, signed up for an online fertility tracker to chart my basal body temperature, menstrual cycle, and other fertility indicators like “egg white cervical mucus.” I even ordered a special sperm-friendly lubricant that was supposed to aid conception. Odd? Perhaps, but I was determined to make this happen!
Then came the first month. I was apprehensive—what if it happened right away? Would I be ready for 16 weeks of morning sickness? We had a trip to Las Vegas planned in a couple of months, so I decided to wait until next month.
Month two rolled around, and I realized a baby would be due around Christmas. That didn’t seem ideal, so I opted to postpone until the following month. Month three brought the memory of my second child arriving a month early. I thought it best to avoid a Christmas baby, so I decided to wait another month.
Month four was filled with thoughts of Vegas—drinks, gambling, and more drinks. Better to play it safe and hold off until the next month. Months five, six, and seven arrived, and with summer upon us, Cancun beckoned. I love margaritas and shellfish, so I opted to wait until after the kids returned to school.
By month eight, my youngest was in kindergarten. Did I really want to start over? Was my husband fully on board, or was he simply accommodating my wishes? I pondered the possibility of another miscarriage, similar to what we experienced during our first pregnancy. I already had two wonderful children; why was I yearning for more? Would having another baby fulfill this longing, or would I perpetually desire just one more? I felt so conflicted. Perhaps this wasn’t the right time after all.
By month nine, I considered adopting a dog instead.
Ultimately, I couldn’t proceed with trying for another baby. While my heart still yearned for one, my hesitation to commit served as a clear sign that perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. I came to terms with the likelihood that I would always feel a sense of incompleteness. This could be a sentiment shared by many mothers, particularly those who have experienced loss. Regardless, a new baby was simply not in the cards for us.
Now at 39, something remarkable has happened. For the first time since I married, I no longer feel that intense desire for a new baby. Perhaps it’s the joy of my new nieces and nephews or simply my biological clock winding down. Whatever the reason, I now look at my family and, for the first time, see us as complete.
If you are navigating similar feelings, you may find insightful information in our other blog posts, such as this one. Additionally, for those looking to enhance their fertility journey, consider checking out Make a Mom’s fertility supplements, as they provide valuable resources on this topic. For further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, this resource is excellent.
Summary
The author reflects on her journey of desiring another child after having two and the internal struggle between her longing for a baby and the realization that her family might be complete. Ultimately, she finds peace in her current situation and recognizes the shift in her feelings about motherhood as she ages.