Updated: Jan. 14, 2023
Originally Published: July 27, 2021
As my first pregnancy drew to a close, I felt an overwhelming sense of urgency. The discomfort was palpable, fatigue weighed heavily on me, and I was eager to meet the little one who had been moving and kicking inside me for what felt like an eternity. When friends and family inquired about my due date, I would exaggerate the time left, presenting 17 weeks as “almost halfway” or claiming that six weeks was “just over a month.” I was ready to rush through to the finish line, excited about the reward that awaited.
Now, as I approach the final weeks of my second pregnancy, I find myself wishing for time to slow down. This isn’t due to increased comfort or a newfound sense of energy; rather, it stems from the uncertainty surrounding whether this will be my last pregnancy.
The ambiguity is unsettling. If someone had told me years ago that I might conclude my childbearing years at 28, I would have laughed and insisted they were mistaken. I envisioned a larger family, with three or four children spaced apart by at least two years.
However, life took unexpected turns. I experienced a painful miscarriage during my first pregnancy, faced challenges with breastfeeding, and dealt with a uterine bleed that lasted through much of this pregnancy. Those experiences have reshaped my outlook, making the notion of a third child feel less certain.
Recently, I found myself on an examination table, anxiously awaiting ultrasound results. As I contemplated the possibility of complications, I thought, “This might be our last baby.” The weight of that realization was heavy, and I held my belly tightly, convinced of that outcome.
Now, as the stress of those early worries has subsided, I find myself entertaining the idea of a third child again. “I would need time to recover from this pregnancy,” I tell my partner, “but perhaps, with some time, I could handle another.”
Yet, more questions arise. With two children, we can manage outings and activities without feeling overwhelmed. We can easily divide responsibilities, ensuring each child gets individual attention. But with three? The logistics become more complicated.
Financially, managing expenses is already a challenge with one child, let alone two or potentially three. Would it be irresponsible to expand our family if it meant diminishing resources for each child? Or would the joy of a larger family outweigh the sacrifices?
My husband grew up in a large family with limited means, filled with memories of his brothers. In contrast, I had a comfortable upbringing with just one sibling, yet I longed for more chaos and companionship. What will my children desire? What do we want as parents?
I realize that my thoughts might seem premature, as I am still carrying my second baby and already contemplating a potential third. However, I worry that I might regret not fully appreciating this pregnancy, missing out on the fleeting moments of joy and connection.
While I firmly believe in a higher plan, I also find comfort in planning and considering the future. Many mothers before me have claimed that you just know when your family is complete. I trust that I will recognize that moment, whether it arrives when my second son is born in just a few weeks or many years later when we welcome a third. But for now, so many questions remain.
So, I choose to embrace the present, honoring my growing belly and cherishing each kick, just in case this truly is my last pregnancy. Living fully in this moment seems far more valuable than fixating on the uncertainties ahead. Perhaps the answers will reveal themselves in time.
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Summary
The experience of approaching the end of a second pregnancy is filled with complex emotions, especially when the possibility of it being the last pregnancy looms. This uncertainty prompts reflection on family size, financial implications, and the value of cherishing every moment. While the future may be unclear, embracing the present is essential.